Articles

CHAPTER 16

We returned to Chennai the following day. Many months later I had a vision of the Acharya. One night, I was somehow transported to Shringeri. I saw him performing a puja. However, even as I looked on, his physical form seemed to balloon out.
His image became fatter and more grotesque. His face filled out until his eyes disappeared under the enormous folds of his chin. Suddenly, with a puff of smoke he completely disappeared from my view. I woke up as if from a deep stupour and the first
thought in my mind was “ He showed me that name and form didn’t really matter. I have been foolish to underestimate and not fully realise the immense power of this very Holy man”.

I don’t really know if that idol was ever returned to Salem. Somehow, I don’t think that was the real intention of Swamigal. I got the distinct impression that this whole episode was a test of my faith in my Guru!! It had taken a lot of courage for me to convey
my Guru’s message to the Acharya, braving criticisms from my family. The Acharya, of course, could see through this “test” very easily! I was meant to get the blessings of a “living” Guru and this objective had been achieved.

Two further memorable events happened during this short visit to Chennai in January, 2005. However, before I start to elaborate on them, I must mention another vision I experienced on the very early morning of December 26th , 2004.

In this vivid dream, I found myself in a very old, but beautiful mansion . It seemed that I was here to meet someone special. I wandered around the vast, spacious corridors that seemed to enclose a courtyard. I remember seeing a tinkling fountain in the middle of the
courtyard. The broad verandah encircling the courtyard had cool marble flooring and was perfumed with the fragrance of various exotic flowers and plants that seemed to grow in profusion in the garden.

All of a sudden I came across a a raised dais set in the side of the verandah. I went closer and then saw her. There was a woman sitting on the raised dais. I could not really see her face too clearly but registered in my mind that she had a portly figure. Then, as I drew closer to her, I seemed to leave my body and literally “ float” towards her, or into her. It was a strange sensation, but not too unlike experiences in the past.
This Lady said in a soft voice “ Please tell your sister to come and see me. I have been waiting for her. She was supposed to come and see me earlier but did not show up. You will bring her to me. “ That was all, that was the message.

I awoke and realised it was my sister’s birthday. I called her up immediately and told her about my dream. She remembered that there was a psychic astrologer- lady in Chennai whom she had intended to visit in October 2004. But somehow, she never got around
to seeing her. We felt that perhaps it was this person who wished to meet her after all!

Bearing this dream in mind, when I was in Chennai during January 2005, I asked my sister if she wanted to visit this lady.We found out where she lived and fixed up an appointment to see her. Meenakshi Ammal lived in a tiny flat in a suburb called
Chrompet. We introduced ourselves and soon got talking. Apparently Meenakshi Ammal had been blessed by Lord Muruga of Tiruchendur. . She had this God given ability of reading horoscopes and making accurate predictions.
I had taken my horoscope and my sister had taken her daughter’s horoscope as she was anxious for her daughter to get married soon.
Meenakshi Ammal did predict many past events for my sister rather accurately and reassured her that her daughter would soon get married.
Then she turned her attention towards me. She looked carefully at my horoscope and that of my husband’s as well. Without the slightest hesitation she described with great accuracy all the troubles I had endured on several fronts over the past. She
mentioned a great dosha in my husband’s horoscope and told me to carry out some parihaarams for it , if I was interested.

There was a marked difference in the tone of her voice while she spoke to me and gave further information. I was meant to be there that day! Meenakshi ammal told me that in my earlier births I had been extremely religious. However, this had been
forgotten in the most recent janma. Hence the return to spirituality in the current janma or birth. She assured me that throughout all my problems I was assured of Lord Muruga of Tiruchendur’s support. “ He is surely guiding you and protecting your children. Don’t be afraid”. These were her final words.

Soon after this interesting episode and, towards the tail end of my trip to Chennai, I had the opportunity to visit Tiruchendur. This temple by the sea-shore is one of the famous battle- camps of Lord Skanda, so the legend goes, and is a truly inspiring
sight. Apart from the architectural splendour, there was an unmistakable vibration in the atmosphere that was soul- stirrring.
The temple was, as usual, extremely crowded. Although we were escorted by a few temple priests who allowed us to escape the seething mass, nevertheless we were jostled and pushed towards the main sanctum. Here too, there was a tremendous
commotion and chaos.
My sister in law and her daughter had travelled along with me. We were given permission to sit up front at the very entrance to the main sannidhi. From this spot I could get an uninterrupted view of Lord Muruga in all his glory. Yet, the noise outside was
deafening. The people in the crowd that was just behind us, were screamimg at the top of their voices. The few priests inside the sanctum seemed to rush back and forth between the main altar and the entrance carrying the arathi and prasadam. There were people who were shouting out their respective names, gothrams, etc for archanas. In the midst of all this din, there was a solitary priest inside the sanctum reciting the Murugan Ashtothiram
( 100 names in praise of the Lord).

I strained my ears but simply could not hear anything! I then focused my attention on the main idol and sat there simply looking at this glowing figure.
Within a few minutes I completely forgot the chaos outside. In other words I could either not hear it or it didn’t matter to me anymore because something really strange was going on that caught my complete attention.
Even as I sat there gazing at the deity, I could very distinctly see His mouth move. I could “ hear’ Lord Muruga reciting his own Ashtothiram. I thought I was mad!!!

Surely someone else might have noticed this as well?

However, in that crowded sanctum not one of the priests seemed terribly concerned that something unbelievable was going on. I waited for a few minutes, my eyes still on the deity. No mistake here. I could see Lord Karthikkeya move his lips and now I could hear the priest chanting as well. The deity’s mouth moved in unision with the chanting!! I could not tear my eyes away. Now another strange thing happened. Lord Senthil Vel Muruga was giving me a darshan as Pazhani Andavar. Gone were the crown and robes that had been adorning this idol. The face looked young, the head was completely shaven, adorned with rudraksha beads. There he stood in solitary splendour wearing nothing but a loin cloth and holding his Dhandam in his right hand. His youthful face
smeared with sandal paste looked so calm and serene. His mouth was parted in a smile, but at the same time still mouthing the many namams of his own Ashtothirams.

I think at this point I screamed to my sister in law who was sitting next to me- ‘ Look , Look, don’t miss this sight. He is actually talking!!! Can’t you hear?”
Later, after we left the temple premises she told me that she had been really quite concerned about the state of my mental health.
As soon as the Astothirams were over, we did leave the main sanctum. However, I caught hold of one of the priests and told him what I saw. He did not really know how to respond! Clearly, he must have thought I was completely mad.
In any event, I can never forget what I had witnessed. That image of Tiruchendur Murugan who also revealed himself to me as Pazhani Andavar is something I will never forget for the rest of my life.

After I returned to London in eatly February, 2005, I decided to do a portrait of my Guru Sri Shanthananda Swamigal. I had meant to paint a large portrait of him earlier but could not find a suitable photo to copy from. The night before I departed Chennai, I
visited the Mel Maadi puja room to get a few minutes of peace. I sat in front of the photo of my Guru and said a silent prayer. I closed my eyes to meditate. A single thought appeared and despite all my efforts I could not cast it aside. This was the thought
message. “ Take my photo from this puja stand back with you to London and paint that image”.
Why had I not considered this option before? Well, I did not really think I should remove the photo my mother worshipped everyday!
Anyway, I went downstairs and asked her permission . She replied immediately I could take it as long as we substituted another one in the same place. That was easy to accomplish. Then, I asked her if there was anything special about this
particular photo. Apparently, after the death of my father, the rather neglected puja room upstairs did not really have a photo of Swamigal. So, during one of his visits to Madras my mother personally requested him to give her a copy. He had given her this
particular laminated photo with great love and affection. That was why it was so precious to her!

I promised to return this photograph once my painting was finished.
I started this painting of Guru with utmost devotion. I immersed myself in Slokas on Lord Dakshinamurthy, the Guru of all Gurus, as well as Avadutha Sri Datta Guru. I listened to the Sahasranamams in the praise of these two great spiritual masters
and then commenced my painting.

I must admit that this painting was the most difficult one to finish and although the photograph from which I copied our Guru had been taken about 30 years ago when he was relatively younger, by the time I finished, the face was totally different.
I was not very happy with the finished painting. I reasoned to myself that perhaps this was how He wanted it. So, I left it at that.

Soon afterwards, my mother came to visit me for a few days in London.
This was a surprise visit. It was as though she was destined to see His painting just as I had finished it.In fact, over the past three years I had completed a lot of my paintings. My mother had never really seen any of them in the original size in which they had been executed. She had not visited me during this period, so, apart from viewing them in prints or photos she had never seen the originals.
With great pride, I showed her all the 80 or so odd paintings that it had been my destiny to paint!
The last one I showed her was my enormous painting of Swamigal. I propped it up against the wall in our living room. The painting seemed to dwarf the whole space. My mother looked at it intently for a bit then said that although his face looked
different in my painting as compared to the photo I had used as a guide, his face here looked exactly as it did during his last days!!
I was truly stunned to hear this. I had not really seen him during the last few years of his life. All I had done was to copy his image from a more youthful looking photo. What turned out was what He meant for it to be.

CHAPTER 11

The paintings of the many-hued Ganapathis symbolised various little vedantic truths. I found it soul satisfying to do more research and compiled a little commentary for each one of them. The following explanations can be understood better if viewed alongside each image.

BAALA GANAPATHI

This “childlike” God, represented here in a red hue, reminds us of two important concepts. First, this sacred form of our beloved elephant God is shown here as holding four different fruits in each of his four hands. These are: a banana, mango, sugarcane and jackfruit, all of which symbolise the bountiful nature of Mother Earth. We have to respect all aspects of this universe as manifestation of the supreme Lord, especially the earth that both sustains and nourishes us! Ganesha represents unity, harmony and man’s eternal striving towards integration with nature.

Secondly, Baala Ganapathi can be worshipped only through pure love – isn’t that what a child expects and what a mother gives unquestioningly? This image directs our attention to qualities of tolerance, compassion and love towards children!

TARUNA GANAPATHI

This image in a brilliant red colour reflects the blossoming of youth! Lord Ganapathi is seen in this picture with eight hands holding: a noose, goad, modaka, wood apple, rose apple, a broken tusk, sprig of paddy and a sugar cane stalk. While the fruits he holds remind us of the need to respect the bountiful aspect of mother earth, the noose and goad represent the need for disciplined living, development of both mind and sense control, and the importance of developing virtues like compassion, tolerance, fortitude and bhakthi. The modaka stands for the happiness that enlightened souls attain when they have discovered that beneath the outer layers of this gross body lies the Atman, or pure conciousness. This is the ultimate truth that provides true liberation for the mature spiritual seeker!

BHAKTHI GANAPATHI

Shining with the pearly- white lustre of a full moon, Bhakthi Ganapathi is very dear to his devotees. He protects and rewards everyone who worships him with great faith and devotion. Indeed, along with fruits like a mango, banana and a coconut that he holds in his hands, this God is seen to hold out a bowl of sweet payasam – the ultimate reward of “wisdom” or “liberation” to those who ask for it! The main significance of this image is to highlight the fact that God can be worshipped for producing both material benefits such as wealth, prosperity, etc, as well as non-material or spiritual (Nishkaama) benefits. In the latter mode of worship, the devotee seeks to discover the “truth” of Atman- i.e. that the supreme Lord resides as the life giving energy source within his intellect!

VEERA GANAPATHI

This “valiant warrior” God is like a fiery ball of fire as he strides forth to destroy his enemies! His sixteen hands bristle with various weapons, all symbols of various mental inadequacies and bad qualities or “vasanas” that afflict mankind. The general message
portrayed by this image is to conquer all these negative qualities and strive to follow a spiritual life that will eventually lead to wisdom.

SHAKTHI GANAPATHI

This “powerful” God of a golden- red hue is four- armed and seated with one of his “shakthis” on his knee. It should be pointed out here that Lord Ganapathi’s consort merely symbolises the “energy” or “power” within the Lord, as well as within all of us! The essential significance of this image is that when the mind is cleansed of all its impurities it is firmly set on the path of bhakthi. Firm faith in Lord Ganapathi results in fulfilment of both material desires as well as the wisdom to understand the finite nature of wordly pleasures .The true seeker will then develop the intelligence and discrimination required in his quest for peace of mind and liberation.

DVIJA GANAPATHI

The four- headed Dvija ganapathi is moon-like in colour. He holds in his hands the sacred scriptures and japa beads, along with a goad and staff. The significance of this image is primarily to highlight the importance of faith in the Vedas and holy teachings. It also reminds us of the necessity of following a life that incorporates the ideals and values stressed by our ancient rishis, and which involves spending some portion of our time in prayer, meditation and self- awareness!

SIDDHI GANAPATHI

Glowing like the sun, Siddhi Ganapathi is the “accomplished” one. He represents the epitome of self mastery and the achievement of the Ashta Siddhis. According to ancient yogic scriptures, these siddhis or “powers” that a yogi can possesss are: Anima, the power to make the physical body very small ; Mahima, the ability to make the body very big; Laghima, the capacity to make oneself very light; Garima, the power to make oneself very heavy; Prapti, the ability to acquire any material items; Prakaamya, the ability to satisfy any whim or wish of the mind; Ishitva, the power to dominate or rule over anyone, and Vashitva , the capacity to control the mind of another.In addition to these siddhis, yoga shastra mentions several other powers, including the control over one’s hunger and thirst, ageing, and so on. However, the greatest siddhi is, of course, self-realisation and the awareness that these intermediate siddhis are in fact a hindrance to that essential “knowledge” of the Atman!

UCCHISTA GANAPATHI.

This is a very rare and unique form of the Lord with the figure of Shakthi in his lap. Ucchista Ganapathi is the “Lord of Blessed Offerings” and guardian of music, art and culture. Of blue complexion, he sits with his consort, holding in his six hands a veena, a pomegranate, blue lotus flower, japa mala, and a sprig of paddy. Worship of the Lord in this form is believed, in tantric scriptures, to enhance friendship and love and to remove misunderstandings among people!

VIGHNA GANAPATHI

Of a brilliant golden-yellow hue, Vighna Ganapathi- protects his devotees and removes the obstacles they might encounter in life whether it is in the pursuit of material ends or spiritual progress. This image is represented here with 8 hands holding a noose, goad,
conch, discus, sugarcane, an axe, tusk, and a bunch of flowers.While the noose and goad remind us of the importance of discipline and control of senses, the conch and discus represent the protective gesture of this great Lord towards those who follow the path of Dharma.
The axe is of course symbolic of cutting through the bonds of Samsara, while the broken tusk is a sign of the disappearance of ego, and the flowers and sugarcane can be taken to represent both the beauty and bounty of nature!

KSHIPRA GANAPATHY.

This red-hued representation of Ganapathi is symbolic of the “Quick action” of the Lord, as a giver of boons. Indeed, in one of his hands this deity holds a sprig of the Kalpavriksha or wish-fulfilling tree! In his uplifted trunk there nestles a pot of precious jewels, a symbol of “wisdom or enlightenment”. In his other hands he holds a noose- to protect his devotees and hold them close , as well as the goad to prod them onwards on the path of righteous conduct!

HERAMBA GANAPATHI.

Five-faced, white in colour and riding on a lion, Heramba Ganapathi is the “Protector of the Weak”. He extends the gestures of protection and blessing with two of his hands. The other eight hold a variety of objects: a noose, symbol of sense control; an axe and hammer, both representing the cutting away of bonds of samsara and reminding us of the importance of discipline; japa beads, indicating the necessity of spiritual practice and meditation as an important pre- requisite for acquiring purity of mind; a garland, fruit and modaka, all representing fulfilment of wishes both material as well as spiritual!

The significance of this image is to teach us that peace of mind and liberation can be acquired only with the complete destruction of the various mental inadequacies that afflict us!

LAKSHMI GANAPATHI

Lakshmi Ganapathi, pure white giver of success and prosperity, sits flanked by his two consorts – Wisdom and Achievement. Gesturing a Varada mudra with one of his hands, this Lord holds in his other hands a green parrot, a pomegranate, a sword, goad, noose, sprig of Kalpavriksha and a water vessel.

In this image, again, we see the importance of leading a disciplined life in order to acquire the pre requisite Sadhana Chathustaya Sampathi, or mind and sense control, which in turn sets a seeker very firmly on the path of self- knowledge and attainment of wisdom.
Bhakthi is given importance here, as it is only through unwavering faith in first, a saguna deity, that a seeker is set on the path towards realising nirgunam Brahman!

MAHAA GANAPATHI

The “Great” Mahaa Ganapathi is red–hued and three-eyed. Accompanied by one of his Shakthis he holds in his ten hands a tusk, a pomegranate, blue lily, a sugarcane bow, a discus, noose, lotus, sprig of paddy, a mace and a pot of gems.

Worship of the deity in this form promises all kinds of glorious things to the devotee, both material objects as well as spiritual progress.
However, it is only the discerning individual, having developed adequate purity of mind, vairagyam and spiritual strength, who can attain the true treasure of Moksha or liberation, and have peace of mind while sailing through the sea of Samsara or Life.

VIJAYA GANAPATHI

As his name suggests, this particular form of the Elepahant- God stands for victory or success in battles. Now, these “battles” refer to various turmoils and outcomes that are the result of actions stemming from a non discriminating mind. In other words, when the mind is assailed by countless thoughts and drifts without control, like a boat tossed on stormy waters, the resulting chaos is mirrored in the upheavals in our lives. So, the need for mind control is highlighted here.

In this picture, Ganapathi is red-hued and is riding on his mount, the resourceful Mooshika. The Mooshika has enormous symbolism!
Just as a rat has a keen sense of smell, similarly, the strongly ingrained tendencies or vasanas in all of us make us a slave to the senses! Therefore the necessity for sense- control is indicated here.
The various insignia here are: the broken tusk- a reminder to reduce ego- the elephant goad, (to prod us on the correct path), a noose- to hold his devotees close and protect them, and his favourite fruit, the mango- that represents the sweetness of self- discovery!

NRITYA GANAPATHI

The “ happy dancer”, symbolises excellence in all forms of art. This golden- hued Ganapathi dances happily under the shade of the wish- yielding Kalpavriksha tree, exuding great happiness and joy. In his four arms this mighty Lord holds a tusk, a goad, noose and modaka sweet.The main significance of this image is that true happiness and peace of mind can come only when the mind is totally devoid of thoughts. In the total silence, devoid of all thought, the presence of pure conciousness is revealed!

URDHVA GANAPATHI

Urdhva ganapathi is “ the Elevated” Lord of the golden hue!. He is seated with one of his Shakthis on his left knee. In his six hands this deity holds a sprig of paddy, a lotus, the sugar cane bow and arrow, his ivory tusk and a blue water lily. The significance of this image is the importance of developing a spiritual outlook in life and to rise above the mundane problems that beset us !

EKAKSHARA GANAPATHI

He is the Lord who symbolises attainment of Knowledge. “Ekakshara”- of single syllable (Gam), this form of the deity is red in colour, three- eyed , and wears the crescent moon in his crown. Seated in a lotus pose upon his vehicle, Mooshika, he offers the boon- giving gesture with one of his hands, while holding in the others- a noose, goad, and a pomegranate. The importance of sense- control ( signified by the mooshika), and the necessity for following a life of values and adherence to the scriptures are the essential significance of this image.

VARADA GANAPATHI.

Varada Ganapathi is the boon giver who fulfils the desires of his sincere devotees. Holding the noose and goad in his arms and enclosing a pot of jewels in his trunk, this red- hued Lord, with one of his shakthis seated on his lap, holds out a dish of honey to his
devotees! With the crescent moon adorning his crown and the predominant third eye of wisdom, this Ganapthi teaches us to lead a life of dharma, performing our duties sincerely, while keeping our minds filled with pure thoughts.

TRYAKSHARA GANAPATHI.

Lord Ganapathi is an iconographical example of the fundamental Vedantic dictum “ TAT TVAM ASI”—In other words, it tells us that “you” the apparently limited individual are no different from the Supreme “reality” or Brahman. The huge elephant head of Ganapathy stands for the macrocosm and the individual is represented by the human body, thereby combining in one image the simple truth of Vedanta.
Lord Ganapathi represents the pranava or AUM- which is the symbol of the supreme self- Hence in this image , He is “ the Lord of the three letters”- A- U- M.
Shining with the lustre of gold, this Lord carries in his four hands, his broken tusk, goad, noose and mango, while clutching a sweet modaka in his trunk.

KSHIPRA PRASAADA GANAPATHI.

Kshipra Prasaada Ganapathi, “ the Quick Rewarder”, is seated on a throne of Kusha grass. Red in colour, with a big belly representing this entire universe, he holds in his six hands- a noose, a goad, tusk, lotus, pomegranate and a twig of the wish- fulfilling tree.

The kusha grass throne is of special significance here as it symbolises the importance of intelligent discrimination of mind- just as razor sharp as the edges of the tall and straight kusha grass that is used in vedic rites and generally regarded as a purifier!

HARIDRA GANAPATHI.

Golden- yellow in colour , this Lord is generally prayed for the accomplishment of all auspicious endeavours. Along with his tusk and a modaka, this deity wields a noose to hold his devotees close to his heart as they flounder in the ocean of samsara. However, he also uses a sharp goad to spur his true bhakthas onward on the path of spiritual progress!

EKADANTHA GANAPATHI

Ekadanta, of “ Single Tusk”, is distinguished by his blue colour and sizeable belly. This giant pot belly, signifies both the bounty of nature as well as reminding us that as our saviour, the Lord swallows all sorrows and protects the universe.The attributes for this murthi are- an axe, to cut the bonds of ignorance, prayer beads for japa, a laddu to indicate the sweetness of the realised inner- self and finally, the broken tusk- to symbolise that no sacrifice is big enough in the pursuit of knowledge!

The principal symbolism of this image is for the spiritual seeker to overcome material desires, and subdue ego, in the pursuit of attaining purity of mind.

SHRISHTI GANAPATHI.

The “Lord of Creation and Manifestation” is red- hued and has four hands. He is riding on his small vehicle- the mooshika, holding in his hands- a noose, goad, a perfect mango, and his tusk representing selfless sacrifice.
This image reminds us of the importance of using intelligent discrimination to control desires and move upward on the spiritual path guided and protected at all times by the Lord who resides within all of us!

Just as the incongruity of the huge elephant sitting on the small mouse indicates the Truth that Atman is the same in all irrespective of size, birth or race, so too, does the little mouse that scampers around, stealing food at night, reminds us of the fact that our ego exists, unnoticed in our minds and wreaks havoc on our lives. Only when ego is controlled by wisdom can we make progress!

UDDANDA GANAPATHI.

Uddanda Ganapathi is the “ Enforcer of Dharma”- the fundamental laws that govern mankind. Bright- red in colour, this Lord has ten hands, holding- a pot of gems, a blue liliy, sugarcane, a mace, lotus flower, sprig of paddy, a pomegranate, noose, garland and his broken tusk. One of his Shakthis is seated on his lap.

The importance of this image is to inform us about the Cosmic intelligence principle that is guiding and providing direction in all our lives. It is generally known that life forms progress gradually from lower to higher forms. Therefore, from the tiniest single- cell amoeba right up to man, there is some, unique force that motivates and gives direction to the unfoldment of life. It is this cosmic intelligence that is Ganesha! He represents the unity and harmony that exists in this wonderful creation, and we offer our thankful prayers to Him for upholding these eternal laws that control the Universe!

RINAMOCHANA GANAPATHI

This crystal- like image of Ganapathi is humanity’s liberator from the “three debts”. This can be interpreted as freedom from the bondage of samsara, from guilt and from ignorance. Alternatively, it could also mean that faith and devotion to God would eventually enable us to pay off the three debts mentioned in our scriptures. These are: First, the debt owed to God for the creation and protection of this wonderful
universe. This debt can only be repaid by dedicating our life to the service of God and mankind and following the path of truth and righteousness. Secondly, there is the debt we owe to the great Sages and Rishis . This can only be repaid by revering their great works
and by helping to promote the transmission of scriptural teachings and keeping our heritage alive. Finally, the third debt is owed to our ancestors. This can be repaid by raising one’s family in accordance with moral andethical principles of Dharma.

DHUNDHI GANAPATHI

Red- hued Dhundhi Ganapathi- “The Sought After”, holds in his hands a strand of rudraksha beads, his broken tusk, an axe, and a small pot of precious gems- the treasury of awakenings he saves for all his ardent devotees. The significance of this image is the
destruction of internal enemies- or bad qualities that hamper a spiritual seeker in his quest for self- knowledge. This Lord veritably resides in the mind of the Disciplined, guiding them on their spiritual quest!

DVIMUKHA GANAPATHI

With His two Divergent faces, this Lord, also called Janus by the Romans, sees in all directions! His dark hue- green form is dressed in red silk. He holds in his four hands a noose, a goad, his tusk and a pot of gems. This image signifies the accomplishment of happiness and attainment of the treasure symbolised by the pot of gems. It is with the help of his noose as reins that the Lord guides us in the right path, helping us to cut through the knot of binding desires and attachments. The goad is used to gently prod the true seeker along the path of spiritual progress and also used as a weapon to repel and strike out at obstacles.

TRIMUKHA GANAPATHI

With His Three faces, this Lord of Red- hue, sits in a contemplative pose on a golden lotus, doing his japa with the rudraksha beads.
While one hand grants wishes and the other is raised in the protective gesture, this Ganapathi of six hands, also holds a noose, a goad and a vessel of nectar. The significance of this image is the importance of the blessings of Dattatreya, the Supreme teacher or Guru!
Although a spiritual seeker might have accomplished mind and sense control and developed tremendous spiritual strength, true liberation can only be achieved with the wisdom gained from the teachings of an Enlightened Guru!

SIMHA GANAPATHI

Symbolising Strength and Fearlessness, Simha Ganapathi is astride his vehicle- the lion. He reminds us of the need to destroy the evil tendencies and mental inadequacies that cause us so much unhappiness in our lives, and by gesturing protection as well as blessings with his right and left hand, respectively, this deity highlights the fact that He is indeed available for his ardent devotees and will guide them to achieve spiritual maturity! In his other hands, he holds a kalpavriksha sprig ( from the wish- yielding tree),the veena, to indicate excellence in music and arts, a lotus blossom, a flower bouquet- to signify the beauty of nature and the harmony in the universe, and finally a pot of jewels, to inform us that the real treasure we seek lies deep within all of us!

YOGA GANAPATHI

Accomplishment of Dhyaana Yoga is the significance of this form of Ganapathi. His knees are strapped in a meditative pose, and his hands hold a yoga staff, sugar cane stalk, a noose and prayer beads. His colour is golden, like the morning sun! According to the Vedas, the real nature of a form of God is the specific set of syllables (mantra), generated by contemplating on that form. In other words, Gods are of the form of mantras. For example, when we see a “horse”, the word “horse” comes to mind. The image of horse gets imprinted on
the mind and the mind experiences a subtle vibration. According to the famous work of Paneeni called Shabdopatti ( mechanism of sound production), this initial, specific vibration kindles the Shareeagni ( fire inside the body)- this in turn causes the internal Vayu(air) to expand and get activated. This in turn activates Prana, which is normally lying dormant in the Mooladhara chakra. Consequently, these physiological electrical impulses get transformed to potential acoustic impulses, and this rises up to the throat region ( Visuddha chakra). A fusion of sorts take place here and, by impinging on certain sound producing spots, result in the creation of specific mantras!

Therefore, when a person thinks of an abstract concept like God-depending on the attribute of the object of thought, a certain set of acoustic impulses originate in the Mooladhara, manifest later in the Visuddha, and come out from the mouth as Mantras! However, it is only a very pure heart that has been steadied by yoga that can perceive such mantra forms of Gods. Sages and Seers ( Mantra Dhrashtas), have recorded that the very first syllable heard was indeed the OMKARA- the first mantra with which Ganesha is worshipped!

DURGAA GANAPATHI

Durgaa Ganapathi is the “ Invincible One”, and he is seen here waving the flag of victory over darkness. This splendid murthi of a deep golden hue affords protection to his devotees while undertaking any long journey! In his eight hands he holds, a bow and arrow, a noose and goad, prayer beads a broken tusk and a wood apple. The weapons indicate the protective nature of the Lord- the noose and goad, the importance of sense control , purity of mind and the prayer beads- the significance of prayer , meditation , the broken tusk- an eternal reminder that no sacrifice is too great for attaining wisdom, and the fruit- the recognition of the vedantic truth that is indeed deep within us!

SANKATAHARA GANAPATHI

He is the “ Dispeller of all Sorrow” – this Lord of a red- hue, seated with a Shakthi on his lap, on a lotus flower! He holds a bowl of sweet pudding, a goad and a noose, while gesturing the boon- giving varadha mudra. The significance of worshipping the murthi in this particular form is the eradication of all obstacles and hardships that assail a house holder! Indeed, the essential principle of loving Ganesha is that one looks within oneself to find the divine energy! Ganesha is often described as the presiding deity of the Mooladhara Chakra, represented by a lotus flower and an elephant— Symbols such as these should not detract from the very simple truth that God, as an Abstract notion is immanent and manifest in every single sentient and non sentient being or object in the universe. Adopting a life of values , having a pure mind and being of service to humanity in general , will help remove the layers of accumulated vasanas and mental inadequacies and place a true seeker on the path of spiritual progress under the guidance of a Guru!

CHAPTER 10

Next, I embarked on a set of Ganapathi paintings. Once again, the thought processes that led me to choose this particular deity cannot really be explained well on paper. As I have mentioned elsewhere in this diary, as soon as I finish one painting, my mind is directed firmly towards another one. I would not be able to sketch or paint anything else. I set about depicting Mahaa Ganapathi with ten hands, seated on a pedestal. I did two almost similar images, and then went on to do three more representations of Pillayar. One was his form as a happy dancer, the second as Heramba Ganapathi, astride a lion and the third was his form as Ucchista Ganapathi. In this last painting, the deity is portrayed with his female consort who represents the acting principle, seated on a lotus, holding in his hands among other symbols, a veena. The importance of arts and culture as well as relationships is highlighted by this image.

It was during this stage that I became intrigued by the symbolism of the Ganapathi image. I did a lot of research on both the iconography of Pillayar as well as his representations in religious art. I discovered that the Mudgala purana cites 32 forms or images of this deity,
each representing an esoteric principle. Naturally, I wanted to try and portray them in a series of paintings. However, try as I might, these pictures did not materialise and instead, I had to wait for a few months more. This is because what I did paint immediately after these five portraits of Ganapathi was a very large portrait of Karumariamman.

The reason for going back to this shakthi painting was that I had many visions around this time that highlighted worship of this particular Goddess. I remember in particular one specific vision. I was in a very old temple. It felt like a Shiva temple. I say “felt”, because this was just an intuition, as all my thoughts are these days. I also felt it was a temple where ancestors might be propitiated, because it was my father who took me to this temple in my dream. Another curious incident here is the the appearance of my father for the first time in a powerful dream. I remember feeling very happy he was back. I told him to come home with me and see the rest of his family. However, he seemed interested in taking me directly to this very old, huge, beautiful temple, in the district of Coimbatore. He seemed very concerned for some reason about my eldest brother. However, we reached the temple and I went inside. Having noted that it was a Shiva temple, I
walked further into the inner sanctum and found the dark grey stone image of Karumarriamman. I also sensed the presence of my sister by my side. I found myself reciting the Narayani stuti from the Devi Mahatmyam. “ Sarva Mangala Mangalye”, as I felt myself drawing closer and closer to this image. I was up very close, and found her eyes to be alive, and realised I was evaporating inside her!

I remember coming out of that trance whilst still being part of the dream and my father gave specific instructions to my sister in order to get her daughter married.
The next day I relayed these instructions to my sister and told her to go the Karumariamman temple near Madras. Even though I told her
this, I do feel that the temple I had visited in my dreams is not that of the Thiruverkaddu location. Perhaps one day I will visit this sacred spot of my dreams!

Soon after this dream, there was came another where I was standing near the Moola Sthambam of a temple. The priest came and gave me an envelope containing prasaadam. The envelope was addressed to my father, and it was sent by Shri Shanthananda Swamigal. I opened it and saw inside there was some vibhuthi and a little pot of Ganges water. I had the strong feeling that Swamigal was sending a message to my eldest brother. Later still, I had another premonition. This was a dream where I foresaw my eldest brother hurt very badly in a car accident. I woke up in sweat, at 3 a.m. on a Friday morning, unable to sleep anymore because of this terrible dream. Silently
asking Devi why she had caused such an unpleasant nightmare, I immediately got up, had a bath and started reciting the Devi Mahatmyam. I was crying as I recited these powerful verses, beseeching the Goddess not to harm any member of my family. I followed
this up with the Lalitha Sahasranamam and then felt slightly better. Some months later, I found out from a chat with my sister-in-law that my brother had been advised by an astrologer to be very careful while undertaking car journeys!

So, why was I able to foretell some events? Or have strong intuitions about people? I knew at this stage that my meditation had been progressing very well. My levels of concentration had improved dramatically. Very often I could feel the kundalini energy rise from the base of my spine and tingle its way through right up to the crown of my head. There, right at the top of my head, I would get strange sensations, as if a million ants were crawling across it. Sometimes, this energy would flow over my forehead, down my nose. I would feel my ears go hot and then blocked up. The wonderful lotus in the centre of my eyebrows would sometimes dissolve into circles of light. I felt very
reluctant to come out of this meditation!

Obviously, I realised more centres of energy or chakras were being opened up in my body. This would explain the visions and dreams.
Nevertheless, the most important point to consider was that I had to completely ignore or be totally indifferent to these small powers or siddhis.

I listened to Paramartha’s talks on Uddhava Gita and realised that my mind should guard against being distracted from its eventual goal.
He would often say that anything that can be seen as an object while meditating—and this includes, visions, flashing lights and sounds – are really distractions from realising the true identity of the individual, or the true nature of Atma. He always exhorted his students to delve within their own minds instead and seek their true nature.The meditation he suggested was awareness meditation, where the mind is
stilled and thoughts are erased, but the meditator is aware of pure conciousness shining through.

So, I turned now to the teachings of Ramana Maharishi. I read all his books, devoured all his teachings, compared him Aadi Shankara and found that he taught essentially the same principles as written in the Viveka chudamani. My whole life seemed to be an extension of this spiritual quest. I spent hours and hours every day trawling through various advaita sites on the internet, learning and growing mentally all the time.

The painting of Karumariamman was done in April 2004. This was during a particularly difficult period, when there seemed to be a lot of family problems afflicting us. I needed the peace and sanctuary of my painting. One morning, when I finished the painting, I remember standing back to both admire Devi as well as to fall at her feet in gratitude for allowing me to paint her. The sun’s rays fell directly on the picture, and the fire behind the image was almost alive, glowing brightly. However, even this could not outshine the countenance of this Devi. She seemed very real , and for a few minutes her presence pervaded the entire room.

Soon after this episode, I was pointed in the direction of Lord Muruga. In the early hours of a Friday morning, as I was half- asleep, lying in bed, I found myself being pulled by an extremely strong force. I felt my body was an iron filing that was being drawn to a very powerful magnet. With a jolt, my head was turned around to face the opposite corner of the bedroom. Here I saw there was incense, a basket of flowers and other paraphernalia, as if a puja was in progress. There was another strong vibration inside my body, and then I saw the feet of a deity.

There was no doubt in my mind this was Lord Muruga. I could see his feet, and the Vel he carried in his hand. I found myself travelling or rather wafting upwards and I quickly woke up. I pondered about this dream for a while the next day. It seemed so natural, not
at all like many of the dreams I had experienced in the past. In other words, I seemed to be in the waking state while this happened.

I decided to draw a huge portrait of Murugan as he is in Tiruchendur. I do not know why Tiruchendur was important, but that was my intuition. However, there was a small problem here. I have never visited this temple and had no clue whether the main deity is portrayed as standing alone, or with his consorts on either side of him. I did some research on the Internet, but there were two representations: one as standing alone and another which mentioned that both his wives are also present. So, I had to decide for myself. Whilst I had seen the actual deity in my dream as standing alone, with his Vel, I thought it might be more interesting to portray him along with his two consorts.

I started the painting with the usual prayers to Pillayar and Guru. However, I found that when it came to drawing the main pedestal, along with two smaller pedestals on either side, the two smaller pedestals came out crooked all the time. Nevertheless, I
continued. I erased the crooked lines and started drawing the crowns and then the faces of Valli and Deivayanai. Not surprisingly, these did not come out satisfactorily either. I saw to my amazement that the rough sketches I managed to do looked really awful! This picture was a far cry from the others I had executed in the past.

One morning, after several futile attempts, I got up from my work table and decided to meditate and get divine advice. After a short while, I felt I had to recite the Murugan Sahasranamam. This I did and at the end of an hour, just as I was finishing the last nama and beseeching Muruga to give me a signal, I heard the phone ring.

The person at the other end was a distant relative who lived near Manchester. She was calling me to talk about the Murugan temple there. As if in answer to my prayer, she said “You know, the Murugan temple here is modelled along the lines of the one in Tiruchendur.
The deity here stands alone, and while one hand rests on his hip, the other one holds a Vel.” I thanked this person whole heartedly, and said she had called me just as I was seeking an answer. It was far too coincidental that the phone call had come just as I had requested help!

I went back to my painting and started afresh. Within a few days, I had completed the entire work. The Lord stands in solitary splendour dispensing justice signified by the Dhanda, holding the Vel that exhorts our minds to engage in one-pointed concentration of the Lord in order to gain liberation. The eyes of this Lord seem to say “I am here to teach you what you don’t know. Reach my feet and gain eternal wisdom”. At his feet stand the cock , peacock and snake. All these are symbols of various negative qualities such as arrogance, ego and evil habits.While this painting was progressing, I was chanting all the kavachams for Muruga, along with Thirumurugattrupadai, the Kandar Anubhuti as well as the Murugan Sahasranamam. However, the poetry, language, style and symbolism of the Thirumurugattrupadai appealed to me greatly.

Nakkirar, a poet who lived thousands of years ago in the Pandyan empire composed this great work. The poem was believed to have been written while the poet was held captive by Asuras in a cave. In it, he beseeches the help of the Lord. Embodying sheer bhakthi,
these verses not only describe Murugan’s various abodes ( six abodes)and his exploits while subduing demons and Asuras, but also highlight the path of pure devotion or bhakthi as the first step in the spiritual sojourn to ultimately reach true self- realisation.
The completion of the portrait on Lord Muruga saw me more firmly established in my spritual quest.

I was finally able to start painting the thirty- two divine forms of Lord Ganapathi.
Almost miraculously, soon after I completed the work on the Murugan painting, I was able to find those elusive images of Pillayar that provided me with a rough guide to base my paintings on. I came across website devoted to Hinduism and a book titled “Loving Ganesha” published by the monks at a Shaivaite monastery in Kauai, Hawaii.
I based my paintings and the explanations on the material I found in this book.

Every day for the next two months I toiled away at my paintings. Each day would start with prayers for Ganapathi and my Guru followed by a meditation on what this genial pot-bellied figure really signifies, according to our scriptures. Ganapathi or Gajanana as he is variously called is universally known as the elephant-faced god.

However, this image is purely symbolic. In Sanskrit, the word GA indicates GATI, the final goal towards which the entire creation naturally evolves, whether
knowingly or unknowingly. The word JA refers to janma, birth or origin. Therefore the word GAJA stands for God or that supreme divine power from whom worlds have originated, by whom it is sustained and towards whom they are progressing, in order to be ultimately dissolved in Him.

In meditating on the form of Ganapathi, we observe creation in its two fold manifestation as both the macrocosm and microcosm. Each is the replica of the other. The elephant head reflects the vastness, Brahmanda, or bigness, while the human body stands for the jeeva or microcosm. The two combined form the one complete unit that is the Lord Gajanana. The Chandogya Upanishad establishes the Mahavakya “ Tat Tvam Asi”, or That Thou Art. In other words, you, the apparently limited individual are in essence the cosmic Truth, the Absolute.

The elephant symbolises Brahman; the human body stands for jeeva, and thus the single image reflects their oneness or identity.

Lord Vinayaka also represents the Pranava AUM which is the symbol of the supreme self. In the Mandukya upanishad an extensive explanation is given about the significance of this. AUM or Om, as we pronounce it stands for the entire universe permeated by Brahman and therefore Brahman itself.

There are three sounds associated with this word .The letter A represents the sounds with which the mouth opens to speak any word. U refers to the sound that allows the tongue all positions from the palate to the lips. M is the vocal movement one makes to close the lips. Therefore the sound AUM stands for every sound man can produce between the extremes of A amd M together with the middle stage U. In terms of its esoteric significance, the syllable A refers to the wakefulness state that an
individual might experience through the medium of his gross body and senses and mind. U refers to the state of dream-sleep in which mental experiences are available, but there is no input from either sense organs or intellect. Also, these two above mentioned states
conflict with each other – because in a dream you can experience hunger even though you have eaten dinner before bed time.

The syllable M refers to the state of deep sleep, where there are no experiences and the mind is also inactive completely. However, there is the presence of Awareness. After the sleep is over you know you have been sleeping!

In deep sleep the Atman which is always present has been witness to the sleep of the body and it is “this” that brings back memory. Atman is also present beyond the three states of experience. There is a fourth state called Turiya which is the total silence that ensues after continous chanting of OM. Here conciousness alone is present; nothing else needs to be cognised. During OM chanting we are advised to meditate on the common substratum of all the three states of experience and during the silence, merge in the conciousness that alone is ATMAN ,that is BRAHMAN. Om is therefore repeated at the beginning and conclusion of all auspicious rituals and slokas to remind us that we emanate from Brahman and dissolve into him. The very essence of the creation or SAT is Brahman. Aum is Brahman and nothing can be done without uttering it. This explains the practise of invoking Lord Ganesh, who symbolises the OMKARA before
undertaking any project. He removes all obstacles in the path of the spiritual aspirant.

In my own experience, it was not until my paintings of the various forms of Ganapathi had been completed that I was able to consolidate the information I had been exposed to over the past few years. While I had absorbed many of the vedantic teachings exposed by various Swamijis and Maharishis, read a lot of interesting material, and undergone a lot of self analysis, there still seemed to be a small stumbling block, or rather, the fear that when I did contact this Ultimate Reality, or conciousness, as it is termed, I would lose “myself”.

I remember reading an interesting comparison. A baby is crying in an isolated spot. The baby might be crying because it is frightened “not” by the presence of anything outside it but instead by the “absence” of anything! Similarly, a lot of us want to be tourists, even to God, because of the attachment to our material form, name and shape! We want to understand the Ultimate Truth, but from the safety of our home, sitting on the sofa, reading about it. We do not want to go to a place from which there can be no return! Therefore, if we understand “Conciousness” or Ultimate existence as that conciousness that knows things but itself cannot be known, we do get scared.

However, any object that we “know” immediately becomes a finite object limited by space and is subject to deterioration over time. Whereas the ultimate Truth, or Atman or Brahman, or pure conciousness simply “is”. The very “isness” is Brahman.
Ultimate reality is therefore not spatially or temporarily far away. It is only a logical distance.

It is a mere shift of perception to view everything outside you, around you and within you as made of the same “ root stuff”. It is a cognitive change that can lead to the
transformation of our entire life.

CHAPTER 9

It was now the summer of 2003. With Varalakshmi Nombu and the auspicious Adi festivals for Durga coming up, I decided to paint a portrait of Lakshmi, the consort of Vishnu. I realised that even if I did not have space to hang pictures in my flat anymore, I simply could not stop painting .

During this time, I had several dreams in which The Mahaa Perivaa of Kanchi, blessed
my paintings.
I remember vividly one particular dream. I am standing in the midst of a huge crowd eagerly anticipating the darshan of this famous sage Of Kanchi. I remember clutching a few of the black and white portraits of Ambal in my hands. The crowd is restless and somehow, I am pushed in front and stumble , falling down with my paintings scattered on the ground just as Maha Perivaa comes out of his room. An assistant picks up the drawings that have fallen at his feet. Acharya looks up and silently gestures as if asking “Who has done these paintings?” The assistant points towards me and indicates that they belong to me. Maha Periva directs his gaze towards me slowly and asks “ Did you do these paintings”. I nod my head, speechlessly. “ As long as you have power in your hands you will always draw Ambal’s pictures”—this is what the Mahaa Perivaa said, looking at me intently. I can still remember those large, luminous eyes and the power of the glance.

Back in the real world, I fervently prayed to Swamigal because I wanted him to bless my paintings. He was after all, the only spiritual preceptor whose grace I had from childhood and I often felt sad I had been unable to meet him before he attained Samadhi. The thought uppermost in my mind was that somehow, at least on an astral plane, he should approve my paintings.

As if in answer to my prayer, a visiting Swamiji from Madras did arrive on the auspicious day of Aadi Perukku and bless my paintings. He was called
Swami Omkarananda and was visiting London to try and raise funds for his ashram. An acquaintance of mine, who was also spiritual, and who knew that I was doing paintings of religious deities, brought this Swamiji over, at very short notice. I must say I
was extremely happy to provide bhiksha for this sanyasi, because, in my mind, I considered him to be a messenger sent to me by Shantananda Swamigal.

(It is also interesting to note that several years later, Sri Omkarananda Swamigal assented to take up leadership of the Peetam at Pudukkottai Sri Bhuvaneswari Temple. He became the Peetathipathi following Sri Santhananda Swamigal).

The painting of Mahaa Lakshmi came out beautifully. I had portrayed the goddess seated inside a large silver Khalasam, decorated with flowers and jewels. The Khalasa itself was placed on a raised pedestal decorated with palm trees and large glossy mango leaves. The scene portrayed here was reminiscent of any home where Varalakshmi Nombu might be celebrated.
The presence of the Goddess is invoked inside the Silver pot, her blessings are sought , and prayers recited for the increased wealth and prosperity of the householder.

During the month of September 2003, I embarked on a painting of Goddess Saraswathi. This was the last painting I embellished with sparkling jewels. The finished painting was truly lovely. Saraswathi, is seated in a slyvan glade, holding her bejewelled veena,
while swans nestle at her feet and a peacock struts by proudly in front of her. As the very embodiment of wisdom, I prayed to this deity that I should never waver from my spiritual path, but instead have the opportunity to be guided by a guru towards the goal of moksha or liberation.

For some time now, I had been thinking about the purpose of my paintings. I knew already I had no control over my mind when strong visions or dreams sent thought patterns or suggestions, neither could I control the motor action of my hands when
painting deities where concerned. However, this all consuming hobby was producing a kind of strain and stress for other members of my family. Perhaps they might have been happier if I had put this “talent” of mine for commercial use. We were going
through a great deal of financial problems and even buying paints and other accessories were proving to be too expensive.
So, I stopped using the relatively more expensive rhinestones to decorate my paintings. I decided to use paints instead . These were small adaptations, but the main question I found unanswerable was “ what is the purpose of these paintings. I am not being of any
help to anyone—what is the use of all these lovely paintings, when there is no place to hang them anywhere, and I’m just going to stash them away in a corner?” I wanted to desperately find some use for these paintings—however, even at the time of writing
I do not know what prompted me to keep this diary of my spiritual journey, or indeed why I paint these images of Gods and Goddesses!

During the autumn of 2003, several curious incidents took place. However, I must relate something else that occurred earlier in that same year. Sometime in January or February of 2003 I had experienced a strange dream. I found myself seated in a large
room , where hundreds of people were assembled. There was music and bhajans, and many people were sitting cross-legged on the ground, doing meditation. Somehow, I found myself in the middle of this crowd. I was in meditation and in that dark ,
fathomless void, I saw a figure in white. This was a very dark-skinned woman dressed all in white. Her eyes were closed, but she was telling me “ chant my mantra, chant my mantra”—then, she disappeared.

When I woke up, my initial thought was to persevere with the mantra that my Guru had given me many years ago. Somewhere, over the past few years, I had not really found too much time to sit for long stretches of time in meditation, like I used to before the interest in painting started.
Therefore, I tried to fit in an hour or so of meditation and mental japa chanting , slowly increasing the time spent on it, during the early months of the year.

Now, one day in September 2003, a newsletter slid through my letter- box. This was a pamphlet that proclaimed “ A very famous Amma, Matha Amritanandamayi” was to grace London with her presence. The venue for this event and the dates in November
were mentioned. I turned over the first page of the pamphlet and stood rooted to the spot. There was the photograph of the smiling face of a dark-skinned woman clad in a white saree. I felt as if I had been struck by a powerful blow to the head!

It was the face of the woman in my dream.

I related this incident to my sister who was visiting London at that time. She informed me that Amma, or the “ hugging saint”, as she was called was indeed a world renowned figure. She had founded many useful institutions—a hospital, schools, provided
houses for destitute, etc. The list of good deeds and activities this diminutive lady was involved in and the extent of worldwide interest and support she had generated, seemed remarkable. My interest was aroused and I found her website on the internet and
read up all the information I could lay my hands on. I read all about her impoverished background, the tensions within her family, her love for nature and humanity , the growing spark of divinity that one day engulfed her, and transformed her into a saint, and
how, over the past 20 years she has been helping people by just hugging them and erasing all their cares and worries!

I decided to meet her when she visited London. I relayed this news to my two daughters and was taken aback by their negative reaction. In their eyes, I was “ mad” to place faith on a person whose past history might well have been doctored. In their opinion
“Amma” was a fake, a con artist, a person who was clever in capitalising on the sufferings of humanity. I remember feeling very sad after this discussion, but perhaps, also an element of doubt remained in my mind as well.

That very same night, I had a totally unforgettable dream. I was in Sydney, Australia, and somehow mixed up with a group of people who were waiting to have an
audience with Amma.!

I remember every detail of this dream very clearly. I was in a large room filled with a lot of people. All of us were waiting expectantly for the arrival of “AMMA”. Then, after a while, someone remarked that her car was pulling up, and all of us stopped talking and
waited in silence for this holy person to arrive. She came in, dressed in a simple white saree and sat down in the middle of the room.

Somehow, it was me who was called on first for her embrace. She hugged me for a very long time. I felt I was disappearing inside her, and was transported to another realm, where the only sensation I perceived was bliss, absence of fear and sheer joy!

Amma was continuing to hug me “ You are a very good mother”, she was telling me. “ I know you have a lot of problems, financial problems—ask me what you want”. I found myself replying “ Amma, I don’t need anything except for Moksha or liberation. I know
my family has money problems but that will be solved some day, or perhaps never. I don’t really care about that. You asked me what I really want. I want Moksha, and while I’m still alive, I want to be able to draw pictures of Devi, until my last breath goes. Also, I want to be an instrument of help for humanity”.

Amma laughed and said “ She wants a job” , turning around to face the rest of the assembled crowd. “Maybe we can give her a job in New York”. She was still hugging me, and now I saw her in her Devi Bhava. She was wearing a beautiful necklace of
Navarathnam. I commented on it, and she said “ Look, you are also wearing the same necklace”.” I will always be with you, I know who you are, and I know your father too”.

Then she let me go. I found myself leaving the hall reluctantly. Outside the room was a small landing, with steps leading downstairs. As I passed by , a painting hanging on one of the walls caught my attention. It was the black and white photograph of
Bhuvaneswari that is at present in the small puja room ,near the kitchen in my mother’s house.

I found it extremely difficult to wake up from this dream. Once again, it appeared that my physical body had been temporarily devoid of any life. I found myself getting up slowly, as sensation first came back into my legs, then hands, and then a heavy sensation in
my heart. The minute I woke up, I remember looking at my hands. They were red in colour, as if someone had splashed kumkumam on them. My first thought that Friday
( Pournami), was “Amma wants me to write a book”. I ran into the next room and
woke up my husband—I was quite excited and deliriously happy. I informed him and my children, later, that Amma, as large as life had come in my dreams. So, they were all mistaken about her! The reaction from my children was predictable. They felt that as I
had been reading about her and stories associated with her for the past few days, I was bound to get these mental projections. I did not say anything to them. However, only I knew the particular experience and the feeling of bliss that I had in that loving
embrace.

I continued with my prayers as usual, that Friday. The following week, on a Saturday, about one day before Amma was scheduled to visit London, I had another vision of her. This time ,we were travelling together in a car, and she said to me “ You did not really
believe in me at first, did you?” I could not reply. We got off at a temple, somewhere along the journey. Then I saw Amma serving prasadam to everyone. It was lime-rice, and she was cheerfully giving this to all the people who queued in front of her. When I went
along, she said “ let the children get the food first, then I will give you”. Behind her I saw the figure of the Ashta Dhasha Bhuja Mahalakshmi, ( of Salem, Skandashramam temple). I woke up convinced that Amma was indeed an aspect of Durga, or Kali, or
Shakthi. Of this there was no doubt in my mind.

On Monday, my eldest daughter accompanied me to the venue in North London where Amma was scheduled to give audience. We reached there by 10 a.m. in the morning, when the function was slated to start. However, we found that the auditorium was already
heaving with people. Amma was leading the crowd through guided meditation and outside, there was a mad scramble to get tokens in order to be “hugged”. I looked in dismay at the number written on my token—It was 1000!

There was no alternative option but to wait for our turn to come up. The hours went by slowly. There was an endless stream of people shuffling along slowly toward the raised dais where this holy lady was sitting. With great patience, she hugged each
person for a minute, whispered something in their ears, and gave them some prasadam. Assistants lifted up each person by the shoulders when their turn was over. Many were visibly overcome and emotional, and tissues were provided so they could wipe
away tears of elation and joy.

Behind Amma, on the stage of this large auditorium, there were some Sanyasis singing bhajans. Above them was a large screen on which Amma’s recent visits to the U.S, and some news reports about her in the media were being relayed. All around the sides
of the auditorium, there were stalls set up selling books on Amma, her message to the world, etc. All proceeds were of course meant to benefit her various charitable activities.

We must have been standing in the queue for nearly 4 hours, and only 500 people had finished their darshan. I was getting worried that I might never get the chance to be blessed that day. So, I went up to one of the helpers who was in charge of
managing the flow of people surging towards Amma. I said I had to leave in an hour’s time since I had to get back home before my younger daughter returned from school. Could he perhaps consider me jumping the queue, in the interest of time?
He said he would try, but then largely ignored me. I waited for another half-hour and persisted. I spoke to the helper about my dream, and how Amma had given me a beautiful hug. “I don’t want to go home without her blessing”, I said. By now, I was tired
from standing and waiting, and quite emotional, because this wait could prove to be futile.

Sensing my emotions, this assistant thought for a minute and then said “Come with me”. He took me and my daughter right up to Amma, and allowed me to have my
hug! However, it was my daughter that Amma hugged first. Only then did she give me a short hug, and repeated the process by
hugging us both together. During this time she whispered something almost inaudible in malayalam (even though I had reminded the assistant near her I spoke Tamil). The words sounded like “MODU Modu”. But I cannot be sure. When she hugged me I did
feel all my cares and worries slip away. My daughter said she felt a strange tingling inside her when she was hugged, but I didn’t really experience that.

Somehow, I felt a curious sense of dissatisfaction as we left Amma’s presence that day. Perhaps I was put off by the excessive commercialisation of this whole hugging process. I do not really know. We returned home, tired but strangely uplifted. That was in
November 2003. I returned to my routine of prayers, meditation and paintings.

As if on divine cue, I had another vision sometime that month. This time, I found myself walking in a very remote, mountainous place. It was very cold and I could see snow capped mountains around me. I found myself walking down a path leading towards
what seemed like a temple formed out of ice. However, just as I reached the doorway of the temple I was aware of a torrent of water gushing forth from somewhere. I seemed to have lost sight of the temple. I tried to peer through the misty fog in front of me. I
had a burning desire to see the deity. Suddenly, the fog lifted, the waters parted from near my feet and I saw the mighty Lord Shiva, seated in his yogic pose, in the inner sanctum of this ice cave.

The statue seemed to be fashioned from white marble. I stared at this sight in great awe, but it vanished almost instantaneously. The next day, I decided to do a painting of the holy couple, Shiva and Parvathi.

However, before I got around to doing this, I was destined to do another portrait of Lord Venkatachalapathi. Now, the earlier painting of Balaji was greatly admired by my sister, and when I came to know she and her husband were migrating to New Zealand, I decided to give them this painting as a parting gift.

However, even though my intentions were sincere and I wished the Lord of Tirumala to bless them in their new house, I felt desolated by the loss of this painting. It was as if my very soul had been taken away. In anguish, I remember praying to Vishnu the
day his portrait left my house. “ I want you here again, in form and spirit”, I prayed. “Please allow me to paint you, one more time.”

This time, the painting was executed twice its original size – nearly five feet in height. Within two weeks, I finished it. My husband, who normally was rather indifferent to this hobby of mine, surprisingly insisted that I get expensive Swarovski crystals to embellish
the picture with. So, with great enthusiasm, and loving care, I decorated the mighty Lord, with diamonds, rubies and sapphires. He seemed to be covered from head to feet with sparkling gems. We framed this picture and, to the chanting of Vishnu Sahasranamam, hung it on the very same spot as the previous picture.

It was only after this project that I undertook the painting of Shiva and Parvathi. At this time, I would chant the powerful vedic hyms of Rudram, namakam and chamakam, understanding the significance of these beautiful slokas. There were also numerous
other slokas on Lord Shiva that were available on audio cassettes and, very often, I would go into a deep trance just listening to them. These slokas had an enormously calming effect on the mind.

The first of these traditional Shiva Parvathi paintings was followed by a vibrant portrait of the mighty Lord, performing his dance or Thandavam. Among all the paintings I have been blessed to do, this cosmic dance of Lord Shiva is the one I absolutely enjoyed! I
wanted to capture in this portrait the sense of energy, action and movement, as the Lord is dancing. Here, the dance is purely symbolic of the rhythmic movements of the universe. Every planet and atom moves in a well orchestrated rhythm directed by the
unseen, formless, intelligent principle that is Shiva.

The lord is pictured as holding in his hands the udukai or drum ,which is a symbol of the sound of creation; the flames represent his destructive power when the act of involution of the universe takes place. The lower right hand of the Lord is raised in the
Abhaya gesture to protect his devotees, while the lower left hand points to his raised foot. This instructs the devotees to take refuge or surrender completely at the feet of the Lord. Lying prostrate at the feet of the Lord is the little demon who symbolises Ahamkara
or ego as well as all the evil qualities one has to overcome in order to achieve oneness with the Lord.

The third painting in the Shiva series was that of Ardhanareeswara. This mixture of the Shiva and Shakthi principle seemed a fitting conclusion to the series on Shiva.It should be remembered here that all forms of Gods (i.e. Saguna Deities), in Hinduism, just
provide a basis for the worshipper to come to grips with the incomprehensible Supreme. It is very difficult to imagine a formless, unseen, unmoving principle as the substratum of this entire universe. Hence, Lord Shiva is represented as the first of all beings
and the root of all elements. (Aadi Shiva). He is existent always, unaffected by time and space, and therefore eternal (Sadhaa Shiva). He has inherent in him both male and female aspects, since this mixture is essential for creation. Thus, like a ground-nut
pod contains within itself two peanuts, God is not just a HE, but, as the Ardhanareeswara figure conveys, God is male as well as female, including the neuter.

This formless God is Paraa Shiva. The male and female parts are associated in him just like a person and the actions of that person are inseparably linked. So, is the Lord and Maya.They are one, just like ice and water. One becomes the other. The female
aspect represents the active energy that is blessed by the presence of conciousness, pure and absolute, with no attributes, which is Shiva. The Atma is Purusha or Shiva, in this context, while the body is Sakthi, Maya or Prakriti, the root stuff that makes up the
creation (at the microcosm as well as macrocosm level). After I finished this picture of Shiva and Parvathi in the androgynous form, I felt the whole process had cleansed my mind of various misconceptions and I was ready to evolve and move further along the
spiritual path.

CHAPTER 8

I think the period of serious painting started in November 2002.

Barely a few days after I had completed my portrait of Meenakshi Amman, I had another vision.
I was at Tirupathi again, witnessing the grandeur of the great Lord of Tirumala. I was in the inner sanctum of this very sacred abode with my mother seated next to me. The screen in front of the main deity had been drawn because the priests were finishing the flower alankaram to the Lord. My mother and I were seated amidst a crush of people, waiting quite eagerly for the screen to be pulled aside with the customary swift flourish.

However, when the screen was finally drawn open, what I saw was not the Lord Venkatachalapathi but instead a very beautiful, golden statue of Pillayar.
This was no ordinary Pillayar. He was glowing with a rare luminescence , and appeared to be standing.

A strong mental suggestion made me tell my mother in my dream “ Amma, Pillayar has asked me to paint him as a Heramba pillayar, with five heads!”

I awoke to a lovely Friday morning, and started to plan my new painting. However, almost immediately, I encountered a problem. I did not have a clue how to portray this elephant- headed God with five heads! I had to see a small photograph to copy
from. As it turned out, a family member was visiting London just then and I was able to get a photo sent, very quickly. I stared at this small coloured photo of the Great Lord of all obstacles and remember thinking to myself “ Surely, I will not be able to finish this
painting, this photograph seems too difficult for me to copy. Perhaps I have become too ambitious with my art projects.” I had a feeling of utter despondence and the certainty that I would not be able to do full justice to the representation of the lord in this form.

So, I decided to meditate on Pillayar , while listening to the audio cassette called “Ganapathy Homam”. After all, one should perform this homam before under taking any work. While I did not fully understand the detailed ritualistic aspects of this vedic chanting, one large chunk of poetry right at the beginning of the tape appealed to me immediately. This was the Atharvana Upanishad’s praise of Lord
Ganapathi. Here he is hailed as the primary Lord of all Ganas, the main creator, the “essence” of Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva, and as the embodiment of the vedantic truth “Tat Tvam Asi”. I sat in contemplation of this mighty Lord who creates obstacles in order to teach us lessons in life as well as removes the very same impediments when fortitude and true devotion is shown. I fervently prayed that Heramba Ganapathi—the destroyer of all weaknesses should guide my inner spirit and provide me with sufficient skill to finish this painting.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I was able to finish my initial sketch , and soon afterwards, the whole painting came to a beautiful conclusion. I adorned Heramba Ganapathi’s five crowns with sparkling gems , gave him brightly coloured robes and strewed red flowers at his feet.

The next painting I undertook was to portray Lord Vishnu as the Great Lord of Tirumala. Again, I spent a lot of time meditating on the Vishnu Sahasranama and Suprabatham, before embarking on this task. I approached this project with great diffidence since I thought there was a greater level of difficulty involved in portraying this particular image. However, to my enormous surprise, I found that of all
the paintings I have been privileged to execute thus far, this was by far, the easiest! However, Lord Venkateswara was also the most expensive to embellish with coloured rhinestones!

Next, came a painting of Goddess Durga with eighteen hands, the slayer of the demon- buffalo, Mahishasura. I wanted to reproduce in this figure, the exact image of the deity as she stands in the temple at Skandashramam in Salem. ( the temple established by
Swamigal).
With her eighteen hands bristling with various weapons, this goddess protects her devotees fiercely, freeing them from all the strong bonds that attach them to samsara. She reminds us of the need to acquire mind and sense control, and the importance of
leading a dharmic life- style. During the painting of this image, I was constantly reciting hymns in praise of Ugra Prathyangira ( a ferocious aspect of Kali), as well as Shoolini Durga. Images of these two aspects of Kali have been enshrined by Swamigal in a newly
built temple complex near Madras.

While I was working on this painting, there were several upheavals in my personal life. However, every time I came across a hurdle, surprisingly enough, I found the strength to jump over it or tolerate it. By the time I finished this painting, while all the misfortunes that befell me hadn’t entirely disappeared, I felt I had been left , mentally, unscathed!

I suppose, at a subconscious level, I was trying to bring into my small flat, the power and presence exuded by these various deities at their very famous abodes, be it Tirupathi , Madurai, or Skandasramam.
Living thousands of miles away in England, I could not really undertake a pilgrimage of these famous temples. Instead, by constant meditation on each particular deity I made them come alive, so to speak, through the medium of art. Therefore, it
was a natural progression for me to want to paint the picture of Lord Muruga next, for it is this second son of Durga or Parvathi, who faces her directly in the temple at Salem. However, before I started work on this, I experienced several strange visions.

It was during this time that I had been researching the iconography and art of Lord Muruga. I avidly read all information I could lay my hands on that pertained to his six abodes (ARUPADAI VEEDU), and analysed several ancient slokas like the Thiru Murugattrupadai and Kandar Anuboothi trying to grasp the underlying vedantic truth couched beneath some of the best Tamil literature of the Sangam period.

One night, I experienced a strange vision. I was travelling in a car along with a great sage—I did not really who he was at that time ( later discovered him to be the very likeness of Kripananda Variar—a great Murugan devotee and saint). In any case, we had been travelling for a while and the car stopped at an unknown destination. I got out and the sage guided me towards a stone house. I did get the feeling I was not in India, but perhaps somewhere in the U.S.
As I was walking up the gravel pathway towards the house, I could hear the singing of bhajans—all on Lord Muruga. I stopped just outside the front steps and this kind- looking saint looked at me and said “ I know you very well; you don’t have to tell me anything about yourself, or your husband or whatever your personal problems are. You will only come to see me along with your husband. Not before then”. Then he looked at me very intently. It was a mesmerising gaze that seemed to draw me completely out of my body. It seemed to me that I was going into a void, as if pulled along without my volition.

However, the experience wasn’t frightening at all. There was a feeling of utter, indescribable bliss. The last thing I remembered of that dream was this man’s eyes—They were unblinking and reminded me, at the time, of a peacock’s eye. I was awakened from this dream by an unusual force. It was the light coming from a star
outside my bedroom window. For a long time, this bright star remained in the sky, and for some reason I felt comforted. It was as if someone was watching over me.

The next day, I started work on a painting of Muruga with his two consorts- Valli and Deivayanai. These two wives of Skanda really represent Iccha sakthi- the power of the will, and kriya shakthi- the power of action. Therefore an aspirant on the path for spiritual
growth, should bring his mind, senses and actions under control, in order to reach the goal of “identity with Brahman”. In other words, the individual jeeva will attain jnana or wisdom ( represented by the Vel or spear) by adopting a strenuous path of self- enquiry.

This Wisdom, which is the clear understanding of the Mahavakya “ AHAM BRAHMA ASMI, OR TAT TVAM ASI” will effect a perceptual change leading
further to a fundamental transformation of the individual. He will then perceive the pure consciousness shining forth , and reflected in every sentient or non- sentient being in the universe. In other words, once a person realises the identity and similarity of the underlying divine force that energises and activates every particle of matter in this universe, his attitude towards the whole world changes.

Selfishness and materialistic pursuits are replaced by sharing and love. Actions that are dictated by a thoughtless, wavering mind, are instead guided by a firm, reasoning intellect. There is an enhancement of knowledge and a growing respect for every part of this universe that is inextricably linked with each other; a respect for nature, animals, people of different races and creeds, in fact a whole shift of vision from narrow, self- centeredness to an all embracing love of humanity and nature in all its varied aspects.

While the Skanda purana dwells at length on interesting stories about the birth of Karthikeya and his courage and valour in vanquishing demons like Surapadma and Tarakesa, the esoteric meaning is always to remind each individual to overcome his own demons- i.e. negative qualities, ahamkara ( ego) and ignorance, all of which veil his true nature, and prevent him from realising the essential identity of jiva atma and Brahmatma.

By the time I finished the painting of Lord Muruga, I felt as if Skanda, the great Guru, himself had helped me by providing further impetus on my spiritual quest. In fact, on the very day I finished this painting, I felt a strong mental suggestion to propitiate my own Guru ( Shri Shanthananda Swamigal). I immediately took out a small sheet of paper and started to sketch , using the photograph I had taken of the Swamigal in Salem, as a guide.

While drawing this image, I was chanting the Guru stotram and willed him mentally, to project his image on the paper. Within about thirty minutes, I had finished. I did not have to erase even one line of my initial sketch. It was as though a divine force guided my hand .

I framed this pencil sketch, on that same day and placed it next to the Murugan picture. In this manner, my paintings continued to progress. I was producing one picture each month. It seemed that no sooner had I finished one, strong mental suggestions or visions
encouraged me to paint another deity. My mind seemed to be guided by an “inner voice”—and I had no control over this part of my thoughts or subsequent actions.

Before starting each new painting, I would continually feel diffident, as each picture presented newer and more difficult challenges. I would work for six to seven hours a day, stooped over the dining table in my little flat—yet, I didn’t feel tired or develop a stiff back, as my family continually warned me. Instead, the whole process was energising and I found my mind was able to concentrate more easily as
time went by. The act of painting was like entering “Samadhi”. During this period of intense concentration, only the deity I was painting, really mattered. Nothing else— no other thought could, or would be allowed to disturb me.

Soon after the completion of the Murugan painting, I was urged to attempt a portrait of Hanuman. I dutifully prayed to Lord Ganesha first, and then meditated on Lord Anjaneya, reciting the Hanuman chalisa. However, this painting did not progress very well at all. I spent several days, trying to draw the Lord’s face, but try as hard as I could, I simply could not draw even one small portion of the crown on top of his head. So, one day, after my customary prayers and several hours of frustration, I decided to give up drawing this painting.
I left the house and went out for a long walk. However, all my thoughts were on the Lord, and mentally, I was beseeching him to give me the power so I could portray him.

After several hours I returned and went straight to my unfinished painting. This time, I did not even attempt to continue with the crown or his face. Instead, I drew a border all around the edge of the paper, and started to write “Hare Rama”. I have to this day, no idea why I started writing these words. My thoughts were guided by some unseen force. During this time, I also meditated on slokas specific for Rama. After this was done, I fervently prayed to Rama, and took up my pencil to start work on Hanuman’s face, for the last time.

In less than a hour’s time, I had finished the face of Hanuman, and his crown. Later that day, I was able to complete the entire picture and the painting was finished to perfection on Hanuman Jayanthi day in 2003.

Almost immediately on the completion of Anjaneya’s painting, I had a spectacular vision of him in my dream—He seemed enormous, his head seemed to be gigantic and his eyes so luminous. I felt I was a tiny speck floating in the vastness that was the Lord. Soon after this, and just in time for Rama Navami, I finished a portrait of Lord Rama, along with Sita, Lakshmana and Anjaneya. I was chanting
the Vishnu Sahasranamas and slokas on Rama, during this period. Seetha, proved to be very difficult to portray in this picture, and to date, I am still unhappy with this painting , for a reason that has remained at a subconscious level. It is my intention to do another
portrait of the “ Rama Pattabhishekam , when I get the divine suggestion to do so.

During the weeks following the completion of Lord Rama’s painting, I had several dreams that seemed to give me the suggestion that I should concentrate on the worship of Devi. It appeared to me that Shri Shanthananda Swamigal wanted me to bring the Goddess Bhuvaneswari into my house. So, I requested my mother in Madras to send me a photograph of the presiding deity in our family puja room. This was the picture of Goddess Bhuvaneswari, enshrined by Swamigal himself in 1956. My mother complied with my request immediately and my sister who was visiting London, brought me the photograph.

I decided to do this painting on a really large scale, about double the size of the pictures I had been doing so far. Through the grace of my Guru and the goddess herself, I finished my pencil sketch in exactly one week, and the whole painting was finished in another week’s time. I decorated this picture with many- coloured rhinestones and the effect was spectacular. The face of the goddess exudes great serenity her eyes are smiling and gentle. “ Give me your sorrows and troubles. I’ll take care of you, while you go through life”, she seems to say to whomsoever looks at the painting!

I felt a sense of great relief and calm in the weeks that followed the completion of my Bhuvaneswari painting. During this time I had been reciting many Devi slokas , in particular, the Lalitha Sahasranama. One night, I had a strange dream, where I seemed to be chanting verses from a book that was titled “ Devi Mahatmyam”. Then, there was another dream where Swamigal asked me to do a painting of the goddess Chandika and the Sapta Matrus, or seven mothers who came to the aid of Devi in fighting the demons or Asuras.

Now, I was not very well acquainted with the Devi Mahatmyam at this juncture in my spiritual growth. However, I knew my mother chanted the seven hundred slokas in praise of the goddess, every day. I went on the internet and searched numerous sites that
enabled me to get both the text of this powerful Saptha Sathi slokas, as well as their meaning and esoteric significance. However, I still found it difficult to find pictures of the seven goddesses that Swamigal wanted me to portray. I decided to meditate on my Guru and Devi, and spent a few days reciting the verses of the Devi Mahatmyam. At first I found it very difficult to mouth the Sanskrit words, but I proceeded very slowly, looking up the meaning of each word, so I could understand both the story as well as the underlying significance.

One day, after my usual prayers, I happened to look up a site on the internet devoted to Sakthi worship. In this, I did find a few pictures of the various forms of the Devi in the Devi Mahatmyam. My prayers had been answered and I started work on the new painting. Again, this painting was executed on a large canvas. The central figure of Devi Mahishasuramardini was surrounded by six shakthis. There was Brahma’s energy or sakthi, represented by Brahmi, seated on a lovely swan; Vaishnavi (Vishnu’s power) astride an eagle; Indrani, regally seated on an elephant, Kaumari (female power-aspect of Muruga) flying in on a peacock, Maheswari (Shiva’s consort) enthroned on her mount- the Nandi; and finally, Varahi (another aspect of Vishnu), also, reflecting the power of the Lord of Death ,Yama, seated on her throne.

By the time I finished this painting, I had mastered the pronunciation of the 700 slokas of the Devi Mahatmyam!

Shortly after this painting was completed, I had another dream in which I was blessed to get the vision of the famous Pillayar at Pallipattu. The first thought on waking up was “ I have to paint this Pillayar with his gold Kavacham”. Again, some visiting relative
happened to bring me a small photograph of this deity , so I could use it for inspiration for my painting. I had the urge to portray this deity on a very massive scale. I had to stick together several large sheets of drawing card, and the painting when finished measured nearly 5 feet in height! To the chanting of Ganapathi mantras, homan and other slokas, this painting was finally executed.

I managed to decorate it with a lot of crystals and stones, and it took a massive effort on the part of my whole family to frame it. The problem then arose as to where to hang this huge painting.

I must relate a curious incident at this juncture. Until this point in time, the very first painting I had done in 2002, the Karumariamman portrait, had been hanging over the mantelpiece. After the incident with the shattered glass, I have previously recounted, my husband did not wish to touch this painting, let alone remove it!

Now, however, we needed the space above the mantelpiece for my Pillayar painting, as it was exactly right for the massive size I had done. We were also running out of adequate wall space in our flat to hang any more of my paintings. So, I had to make the decision to
remove the smaller, painting of Karumarriamman to make space for the Pillayar, and told my husband to bring it down from above the mantelpiece, so we could hang it in what was the last available side- wall in the dining- area.

My husband refused to comply. “ I will not touch that painting, until that Amman gives a sign asking to be moved”, he said. I didn’t reply, but instead thought to myself—“ how is this ever going to happen—how will she gives us a sign.”?

So, there we were one Sunday afternoon, with the Pillayar painting completely framed and waiting to go up on the wall, expecting a miracle to happen!

Something did happen.
My husband went around to the side of the Karumarriamman portrait and in that little gap between the frame and the wall, he saw something amazing. The strings that were supporting the back of the frame so it could be hung on the two nails on the wall, were completely broken and dangling on the two sides! How was that painting suspended on the wall when the strings were broken?

It could have crashed down from the wall at any time. We do not really know when this happened.

However, my husband who normally is very sceptical, remarked “ There, she has given the sign to be taken down”! Quickly, we removed this very special painting of Amman and installed her in what was, in our flat, the very last remaining wall –place—above the piano, in the dining room. Later, we put up the Pillayar picture above the mantelpiece. Here he sits, facing the other large portrait of his mother, Goddess
Bhuvaneswari on the opposite wall of this reception room.

CHAPTER 5

Then, one full moon day in April 2002, I had another powerful vision in the early hours of the morning. I remember every detail of this dream clearly .

It was dusk and the lamps had been lit in the precincts of this very ancient temple. I was unfamiliar with this particular temple, that is, I was not aware of what the principle deity was. In strong contrast to my earlier dream where I had been in no doubt that this was indeed the Lord in Tirupathi, I was in a quandary. The temple seemed lovely and old, very old. I recall looking at the ancient grey, stone pillars—with bevelled grooves rising majestically to support the roof. There were two such pillars on either side of
the moola stambam or central pillar. I looked beyond and saw a dark doorway leading inside the sanctum sanctorum.

I could see no light here and the interior seemed engulfed in total darkness. I felt I had to see the deity but was unsure how to proceed inside. I remember looking around. Then, I saw him – an elderly man was sitting just to the south-west of the main shrine. In front of him was a low stool on which rested a well-worn prayer book. This man was hunched over his prayers, totally absorbed in them.

Very hesitantly, I approached him, and at the sound of my footsteps, he looked up. “Evening prayers are over today” he said, “ You will have to come back tomorrow morning”. I remember feeling extremely dejected. Nevertheless, I knew temples had their regulations. Slowly, I started to walk away.

Just as I was about to circum perambulate the inner sanctum, I heard a rustling and looked up sharply. All of a sudden, I found myself in the midst of a crowd of people. There were priests carrying lamps, followed by some more carrying platters
of fruits and flowers. There were women jostling each other in the crowd, carrying in their hands the customary , small, wicker baskets with coconuts, betel leaves, and flowers for an archana.

I remember following this crowd as they proceeded on their pradakshinam of the sanctum. The only thought in my mind was that I had no wicker basket filled with either fruits or flowers. How was I going to perform an archana? Finally, we arrived in front of the doorway that had earlier been totally dark and gloomy. Now, there
was the smell of incense, lot of lights from the lamps as the priests surged ahead,and behind them some of these women. It was soon my turn to go in. However, the minute I reached the large raised step leading to the inner sanctum, all the lights totally vanished,
and the noisy crowd evaporated almost instantly. I found myself with my left foot placed firmly outside the sanctum and my right leg poised to raise itself over the holy threshold.

Then, I felt the pain. It was the kind of numbing, paralysing pain that seemed to shoot
through my entire right leg, immobilising it completely. I found I could not enter this temple, after having come so far. I was totally dejected now, because I was burning with curiosity to see the deity inside, but this deity was eluding me.

I tried to budge my right leg gently but it did not help. It was as if a dead weight had been attached to my leg. I did not wish to give up and tried again, and again. Finally, after what seemed to be a long time, and with one mighty, last effort, I managed to get my right leg over the stone step. I found myself straining my eyes in the gloom to see the deity.

Then I saw her. The one very clear, distinct impression I have is that of oil lamps burning. Not one, but many – she was in fact surrounded by what seemed to be myriads of glowing lights. There was this divine vision, surrounded by a halo of lights walking towards me. Even as she approached nearer, the lights seemed to glow brighter. I felt I was not inside my body anymore. I was running, or floating towards this holy vision, almost pulled in a straight line, or as if propelled forward without any conscious will on my part.

I was running towards her and she seemed to be running forward towards me as if to embrace me. All I can remember are shreds of fear and trepidation mixed with this
extraordinary sense of total bliss. In my dream I heard myself say, “Balambikkai is coming towards me”. I don’t know why I said this. I do not know why I felt it was Devi, as a young girl coming towards me. But this was what I remember seeing and experiencing in this very extraordinary dream.

The next thing I remember was going up a short flight of steps, somewhere on the side of the temple premises. I remember it as being on the right –hand side of the sanctum. A kind of spiral stone staircase with grey, cold, steps led up to a doorway through which
we entered a room. I say “we” because I felt that the Goddess was somehow with me, mixed up with me in a manner that I couldn’t really understand properly.

The room we entered was long and rectangular, with no windows. But there was a light of some sort coming from somewhere. My mother was at my side and the three of us together were proceeding across the room towards the far side. I noticed another door in the far right hand corner of this rather curious looking room.

Then “she” came towards me – a young girl, with her hand outstretched – I thought it was the left hand. “Look at my hand”, she said. I looked and remember being very
surprised. This hand was very old, withered and dark in complexion and on the outstretched palm there were six distinct lines.

Mentally, I could not comprehend how such a divine and glowing deity full of the exuberance of youth, could ever have such a gnarled hand like that. Also, I seem to remember thinking that no one has six lines on their palm. There are just the three distinct lines of palmistry – heart, head and that of fate or destiny. Yet, I looked again at her outstretched palm, there were indisputably six dark brown/grey lines running parallel to each other. Then, even as I was perplexed, she said emphatically “Look , you have six lines on your hand as well”.

“I don’t”, I said, “I don’t have six lines on the palm of my left hand. Look, you can see yourself”. I stretched out my hand. She took my left hand and held it open, so she could see the palm. “You do have six lines here, just like me”. I laughed and said “ I certainly don’t have six lines running across the palm of my left hand. Maybe you do, but then you are Devi, my supreme Goddess – I can’t be like you”. She was very insistent, however.

All I remember was this continual insistence on the fact that I had the six lines just like her. Even as we were talking, I found that we had come very close to the door at the far end. My mother was walking behind me , and I was being led, so it seemed at the time, by this divine vision. Just as we reached the door, she said to me, “ I will
never leave you” .

I don’t know what impulse made me say this, but I uttered the following words: “ Please, I would like to go home now, I’m feeling very, very tired.”.

The next minute, I felt an enormous pressure on my chest. It was a hard pressure, as if someone had placed a heavy weight down on me. I also felt, that I had come back to my body. I was not “ floating”, but brought down to earth. The next feeling was that I was in a deep slumber, a deep stupor that I could not awake from. I remember feeling a bit afraid, in my dream, that I might never get up!

This is not an uncommon feeling. I have experienced this feeling of not being able to awaken from a dream, not being able to move my limbs, on many occasions. I summoned all my mental strength and began to force my lips to move. Slowly, I mouthed the syllables MU- RU- GA- over and over again. I don’t know why I appealed to this particular deity. I just did this several times, over and over again, until I felt I could move my legs, then my hands and finally, with great effort, opened my eyes. It was early morning, about 4.30 a.m. on a Friday. It was Pournami or Full moon that day. I woke up in a daze and looked at my hands. No, I did not have six lines on my left
hand. I was puzzled by the dream, but one thing I was sure of doing later in the morning. I wanted to say my Lalitha Sahasranamam and as I meditated in front of my puja closet, I felt a strong suggestion that I had to draw an image of this Goddess Balambikkai.

I finished my prayers on that Friday and immediately set about drawing the image of Baalaambika, as she appeared in my dream.

Over the course of the following week, I worked continuously on this portrait. I first drew the sacred mandapam or sanctified place where idols of deities are usually placed. As was common in all the drawings I’d done so far, this was sort of a raised platform with a
few decorated steps leading up to it. All around this I drew in some lamps. Usually, it was my practice to draw two lovely standing lamps – kutthu villakkus – at the base of this sacred portal. However, in this picture my intention was to depict the deity more or less
as she had appeared in my dream. In my vision, there were lots of oil lamps and the whole scene was bright and glowing from both an inner brilliance coming from the deity as well as from the myriad of suspended lamps. This is the effect I finally managed to
achieve.

By the Thursday of the following week, I had finished most of the picture except for the face. I had drawn Devi as a young girl standing on this raised platform with a string of prayer beads in one hand and the other hand turned inwards, as if in a protective
gesture, resting lightly against her thigh.

On her crown, she wore a crescent moon and her dress was not a saree but instead a kind of skirt and blouse ensemble typically worn by young girls. I was quite happy with the progression of my painting so far. I had taken greater care than usual in drawing this
image. My thoughts and prayers had as always rested on that supreme goddess Lalitha, whose thousand names I recited constantly, in waking as well as in sleep and dream state. I rose with her Holy name on my lip and went to bed thinking about my beautiful Devi. Somehow, nothing else in the world seemed to be of any importance. It was at this time that my children began to be more conscious of the amount of time I was spending immersed in prayer. Although to this day, I have never allowed my prayers to
hinder the carrying out of daily household tasks, my prayers and meditation started to bother my children greatly.

I must admit that I have never enforced religion on my children, because my mother had never done this to any of us. We naturally imbibed religion from the atmosphere around us. However, for my girls, the fact they had been born and brought up in the very
materialistic western society meant they could not easily tolerate my religious practices.

They could not appreciate my “Indian” music, or understand my prayers, if by some chance, they heard me playing my audio tapes loudly. Consequently, I listened to all my
Vedanta tapes and prayers with the help of headphones.

Normally this did not bother me. I felt that these disturbances were merely some more obstacles that I had to overcome in my spiritual quest. I did not allow the children’s attempts to distract me in my meditation affect me too much and tried as far as possible
to work on my paintings when they were at school. To this day, they have never seen my earlier sets of paintings because I had kept them all very carefully hidden in my drawing book.

This painting was different. I wanted to finish it as quickly as possible, so the children as usual made remarks that I was “at” my paintings again. In their minds, I was slowly becoming God- intoxicated.
However, regardless of all these distractions, I had made good progress on this drawing. Finally, only the eyes had to be drawn. I always reserved the drawing of the eyes to the very last.

I was very meticuluous when it came to drawing the face and in particular the eyes. The expression had to be just right. I have never considered for a single moment that it was “I”, who created these lovely pictures. I have always felt myself to be just an instrument
carrying out divine instructions. So, on this auspicious Friday, I decided to pray to Durga for her blessings before I drew in the eyes. I went into the bathroom to wash my hair with the intention of starting this Friday off on a good tone. What followed was just an
unfortunate series of events.

With absolutely no prior warning, my back froze just as I bent down to pick up a towel to dry myself after my bath. There was a searing pain that extended from the base of my spine, all along the right leg. I could not move. Luckily, the mobile phone was near my side and I just managed to call my husband for help before collapsing on the floor. Help was quite long in coming and there were further complications because I had locked the apartment door from the inside. A locksmith had to be called to try and get it open from the outside. I could hear the anxious voices of my daughter and husband from outside as they discussed the possibility of just breaking down the door.

At this point, I was lying on the ground, waves of pain racking my leg and back. I tried hard to hoist myself up, but found it impossible to shift my leg, let alone try to stand.

However, with one last attempt, I managed to first crawl, and then stumble
the few paces to the front door. I remember turning the key inside the lock and heard it open before passing out. The next thing I remember, was that I was on the bed, on my tummy with an ice pack on my back.

The doctor arrived much later that evening and I finally got some extra strong pain killers. But it was bad news. I had a lesion or tear in my disc, with the result that the projecting portion of the disc was putting pressure on a vital nerve, thus sending those shooting pains down my right leg. The next few weeks passed in a painful daze. I had to have a lot of powerful medication. In addition, I had to take a lot of bed rest. I found it very difficult to either sit or stand and could walk only very slowly and with much pain.

I did not understand why this had happened to me, particularly on the day I was going to draw the face of my Goddess. I spent most of the next few weeks in bed, recuperating and listening to my indispensable audio cassettes. I tried to find some solace in the
teachings of Paramartha and did my prayers and meditation lying in bed.

It was at this time that yet another piece of bad news came my way. My mother informed me on May 27th, that in the very early hours of that day, our beloved Swamigal had attained Samadhi. I was totally shattered by this news.

There were several selfish reasons for this.

In the weeks leading up to this event, I had asked my mother to visit Swamigal and get his blessings for my sake. Actually, my mother had mentioned that Swamigal wasn’t very well and had been admitted in hospital. She did not give me too many details, perhaps
because I had this painful back condition and she did not want to add to my worry. I told her then that I had this desire to take in all my paintings of Devi from this last, third set to Swamigal and personally get his blessings. So, the news that Swamigal had shed his
human body came as a big blow! There was nothing anyone could do except pray—and this is what I did.

My mother gave the exact time when the holy last rites were to be given on that day. I managed with great difficulty to take a shower and then went to my very neglected puja cupboard. I cleaned it a bit and then lit a lamp. I looked at my photograph of Swamigal and then couldn’t keep standing any more. This effort had been too much for me. I got back into bed and recited prayers, mentally, for the next couple of hours, thinking of no one else but him and remembering his kind face in my mind.

CHAPTER 7

It was on a Sunday, in early September, 2002, that I visited Sri Bala Peetam housed in a small village called Nemili, on the outskirts of Madras. My mother and sister came as well. Once we reached the sleepy little village of Nemili, it wasn’t hard to find the place. However, I was in for a surprise.
Instead of the usual temple structure, we found an ordinary, nondescript house! We were reassured this was the temple of Bala. Rather hesitantly, my mother, sister and I walked inside. We removed our slippers, in the dark, narrow , hallway. Above this entrance was a picture of a goddess, depicted as a very young girl, wearing a green skirt – paavadai – and blouse, holding a book in one hand and a string of beads in the other.

We took a few steps over this threshold and came inside a very large hall. On the far side of this large room was a dais, and on this was quite an elaborate mandapam. I was straining my eyes to observe the main deity, but could not really see her!

As we were pondering about this, an elderly gentleman came out of one of the rooms on the side of this hall. He motioned for us to sit in front of the dais and then, pulling up a chair, proceeded to give us the background information about the deity and how the house had become sanctified. Apparently, over 150 years ago, a very small idol of this goddess, called Bala, had been found by one of this gentleman’s ancestors, a devout Brahmin called Subramanya Iyer. This idol is very tiny, about the size of a thumbnail, and was discovered in the river bed following a dream in which goddess appeared to Subramanyam and told him that Bala ( an incarnation of Raja Rajeshwari) would come to his house to rest and bless those who visit her. The young girl proceeded to give precise instructions about how she would be found in the nearby river.After a relentless search for three days, this tiny bronze idol seemed to float into the cupped hands of a delighted and grateful Subramanyam.

The tiny figurine of Bala was then placed in a special small, throne in the puja room, just below the idol of her mother, Raja Rajeshwari and prayers were offered. An elaborate tradition of worship has been carried on by successive generations of this family. Slowly, people from neighbouring towns and villages started to come and worship the image of this tiny child-goddess. There were some miracles – and, as some devout believers spread the word, more people came to see “Bala” and get her blessings.
It seemed that Bala, the child- Goddess could alleviate most of the problems faced by her sincere devotees. Marriages that keep getting postponed or delayed soon get arranged with Bala’s help. Women unable to beget children soon become mothers, children struggling with their studies are able to complete higher education and get gainful employment. What Bala “gives” her sincere believers is endless!
Every possible life-situation or problem is envisaged and remedies are provided in the form of melodious songs. All a person has to do is recite these songs with faith and Bala seems to do the rest.
Any unfavourable event is soon reversed, be it lack of education, ill health, financial problems, and so on.

The elderly priest who was narrating this story took pains to emphasise the fact that people who wanted their wishes fulufilled didn’t necessarily bargain with the goddess—i.e. give donations or contributions either in cash or kind, as is so often
the case at many temples, if their sorrows vanished or desires were fulfilled. Instead, at this temple, pilgrims enter and get her blessings. Goddess Baala is aware of the problems afflicting her devotees and quite simply takes care of them. Now, this might
seem far-fetched to most rational human beings, struggling to cope with the many disasters life deals to them. However, the statement that the elderly priest made was very simple and it could only appeal to those who had immense faith in the many aspects of saguna bhakthi.

I felt an enormous sense of calm sitting in front of this little shrine. I closed my eyes and savoured the feeling of perfect serenity that seemed to envelope the whole room. Very rarely, have I felt that divine presence so much, as I did that day, sitting in the front hall of this small house that was also a temple. I have experienced the same feeling in just one other temple- that was at Skandashramam, in Salem, when I was similarly seated, with my eyes closed , at the feet of Swamigal.

I had taken with me, on this occasion, copies of the six black and white Devi pictures I had drawn—( the third set of paintings). I had initially wanted Swamigal to bless them, but as he had passed on, I requested the elderly priest at this Bala temple to bless them
instead. Later, as we did our namaskarams and were about to leave, the priest came up to me and said he really liked my paintings and would it be possible for him to have in particular, my drawing of the “Bala”, as she appeared in my dream.

Now, the six pictures that had just been blessed had been a gift from me to my mother for her birthday, so I informed this man, I couldn’t really give him that particular copy on that day.

On the way back to Madras, I felt a bit guilty I hadn’t acceded to the man’s request and mentioned this to my mother. Her reaction was surprising – she had been standing right next to me as we took leave of the priest. “I don’t really recall him asking for any of your
pictures,” she said, “ it must be your imagination”. I decided not to dwell on this issue and we left it at that.

However, the sequence of events that followed were rather surprising. It just so happened that my children were going to visit their aunt and uncle in Poona for a few days. I wanted to send a gift for my sister-in-law, and decided to give her a selection of prints from my drawings. I chose a few prints and gave them to a nearby art gallery to be framed. I requested they do a rush job on it as my children were leaving early next morning. The people at the art gallery promised to deliver the framed pictures on time. As things turned out, they didn’t live up to their promise and the framed pictures reached me too late. So, I decided to give a few to my uncle in Madras and after
he made his selection, there was only one framed print left – this was of course, the picture of Bala.

Even at this point, I didn’t think too much about either this remaining picture, or the priest’s request. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to visit this temple again. After all,
Nemili was quite a distance from Madras and I was pre- occupied with other matters at that time. However, I was destined to visit this temple not just one more time but twice!.

One day, my sister- in-law, who runs a school for Down’s Syndrome children, decided to take her entire school on an outing to this particular temple, so they could be blessed. After all, the deity here was a child- goddess, and like the priest there told us, she loved
children, and in particular loads of sweets. So, armed with a lot of offerings, particularly biscuits and sweets, I went along with my sister-in-law’s school and the staff for the second visit to this lovely house. Just as we were embarking on the trip, I took the framed print that was left behind and, remembering the priest’s request, I decided to give this to him when we reached Nemili.

This little half-day outing was greatly enjoyed by all the children at this very special school. They sat in perfect silence during the small puja performed by the priest and were delighted when they received their prasadams – sweets. All this time, I sat at the back of the hall and placed my picture out of sight behind a pillar. My intention was to give the priest the picture after the short ceremony was over.

Finally, as the children were trooping slowly out of the hall, I got up to retrieve my picture. Just then, the priest’s wife came from a room at the back of the hall and said “ Oh, is that a picture of our Bala? She looks just as if she is seated on a swing”. Apparently, that is the manner in which this child goddess often appears in the visions to her devotees – seated on a swing! I said I wished to give this picture to the temple, if they wanted it. Of course, they were delighted and the priest said to me “ You know, the other day when you came here with all the six pictures of Devi, I really wanted to have this particular picture, but I didn’t ask you as you seemed intent on taking them back. See how Bala herself has brought it back for me!”. I was astounded. I had heard his mental thoughts as clearly as light of day!

My children returned home to London after a few weeks in Madras and I decided to stay on longer in order to spend some more time with my mother, and also to fully recuperate from my back problems.

During this period, I had a few visions. It was always the same goddess who kept appearing, very briefly, just before I was fully awake in the mornings. The distinguishing feature of this very dark-hued goddess was the golden crown she wore – represented by the hood of a cobra! I was puzzled by this and decided to visit the temple of
Karumarriamman at a place called Thiruverkadu, near Madras. The deity here has a serpent’s hood on her head, as a crown.

Later, I had a very strong mental suggestion to draw the picture of this deity, Karumarriamman. This time, I decided to draw a bigger sized image of the goddess. My intention was to paint the deity using colours, rather than the stark black and white images I had previously done. Within one week, I managed to finish the picture of the deity and I was very happy, especially with the expression on her face. There was a serenity and calmness that was indeed divine. I decided to paint this picture in glowing colours and set about buying my painting materials.

Whilst I was engaged in this task, I experienced another powerful vision. This was in September 2002. I was in a temple along with a few members of my family. There was a crowd of people standing in front of the shrine, in this (unknown) temple. Directly in front of me stood a young boy. All I was aware of was that something was wrong with this boy. He appeared to be afflicted with a mental ailment. I moved forward and placed my hand on the boy’s neck. My hands stroked the back of his head. All of a sudden there was this surge of light emanating from my hand . There was a very bright flash of light. I knew that whatever had bothered him or troubled him was over.

He seemed perfectly calm and normal. The people around me surged forward to embrace him. “ He’s Alright now”, they cried. No one noticed me. The bright flash of light that came out of my hands seemed to have back fired. I was lying on the ground, in pain. No one seemed to care. At last, one young person helped me up to my feet. I remember crying out the name of my Goddess Bhuvaneswari .
“Amma, please help me”, I wept, as I ran around the precincts of this temple. Finally, I came to a short flight of steps on one side of the temple. This seemed to lead up to a small shrine. No one was about. I crept up and made my way to the door of this little room. It was ajar. Slowly, I ventured inside to get a glimpse of the deity. To my surprise it was a small image of the Goddess enthroned on a snake.
The wide hood of the serpent rose majestically above this diminutive goddess, as if protecting her.

While I was staring at this fascinating sight, I heard the rustle of people coming towards this shrine. There was a large procession of people making their way
towards the shrine, but one figure at the head of the group caught my eye. This was His Holiness Shanthananda Swamigal. He was coming towards me with a gold crown on the top of his head that was a snake’s hood. Smiling very gently when he saw me, he said
“Why Uma , you have come here before I could”. Then, he turned towards a priest and said “ Give her a nice, big garland of roses”.

I shall never forget this incident. While I do not understand what it meant, I was happy just to receive the blessings of my Guru before I finished my painting. From that small start, I have carried on to execute many more paintings to date.

However, due to a sudden turn of events, I decided to cut short my stay in Madras and return to London. I thought I should make an effort to visit that temple in Nemili one final time before I left.

This time, my aunt and uncle accompanied me. Usually, it is the custom to place a phone call to the house at Nemili before departure from Madras, just to ensure that the priest is at home. After all it is run as a normal household and he might well not be there when we
reached. I tried ringing the number but was unable to get through. After several attempts, I decided to just take a chance and drive on. I prayed that Bala would give me this last opportunity to visit her. I remembered what the priest said “You cannot come here until she wants you to visit her”.

The three of us set off one afternoon, a couple of days before I was due to return to London. When we reached the house in Nemili, the front door was locked and there seemed to be no one about. Our car driver went to the side of the house and
tried to peer through the windows, but could not spot anyone. I was disappointed!

However, just as we were leaving, I decided to take a last chance. We went up to the front door and saw through a small crack in the door that there were some slippers inside. Someone must be inside the house. We called out loudly. After what seemed like a long time I heard the shuffle of footsteps and the door was opened by a young man. Apparently, his father, the priest was taking his afternoon nap. He requested us to come inside the hall and
wait.

After a short while the priest appeared and to our great delight performed a puja and gave us blessings. He told me as we were leaving that I had tremendous faith and this would always protect me. My aunt and uncle were particularly happy as they too felt the divine presence here and were touched by the simplicity and courteousness of the people who lived in this house. That last visit I still cherish very much indeed.

I packed the unfinished portrait of Karumariamman, in my suitcase, intending to finish it when I returned to London.

It was mid- September when I arrived. I decided to paint the picture of Amman during the Navarathri period that was to follow shortly.This nine day period of worship for Durga is perhaps one of the most important festivals in the Hindu calendar. It was during this period that the Goddess, assuming the forms of Kali, Lakshmi and Saraswathi, successfully fought and destroyed the terrible demons and asuras who were harassing the Devas.

The esoteric significance, of course, is that as humans, we should constantly be on guard and fight against those negative qualities like anger, greed, lust and laziness, all of which prevent us from ever understanding our true nature.

Foes within us are the dark qualities, while the enemies outside are those whom we alienate due to some reason or the other. I started the painting on the first day of Navarathri. As was my usual custom, I prayed to Lord Vigneswara, the remover of all obstacles and then recited the Lalitha Sahasranama. Nine glorious days were spent adorning and decorating the picture I had drawn. My concentration
was at all times only on Devi, as I idealised her, in numerous forms. Mentally, I was chanting Lalitha Sahasrama incessantly, along with other hymns and slokas on Durga. Whenever, I found my mind veering off even a little, from thoughts of the Divine, I recited the mantra mentally or listened to my Vedanta tapes. In fact, by now my daily routine was so well established that the entire chunk of 8 or 9 hours
during the day were spent in constant meditation or contemplation of a particular deity, follwed by Vedanta.

I finished my first large colourful portrait of Devi Karumari Amman on the final day of Navarathri. I framed the picture myself and hung it above the fake fireplace in our living room. This was the very first painting to be hung in the flat. More would continue over the next year.

I was quite pleased with this portrait of the goddess and wanted to take a photograph so I could send it to my mother. The Goddess looked grand seated on her golden throne, carrying in her many hands, both weapons of destruction as well as symbols of prosperity
and happiness. I had decorated her with many beautiful, coloured stones and the whole effect of this finished picture was, in my mind, quite breathtaking.

In fact, she seemed very alive and seemed to energise me whenever I gazed on her in deep contemplation. I wanted my mother to share this sense of happiness, albeit through the medium of a photograph. However, I was mistaken. I spent an entire roll
of film taking various shots of the portrait from different angles and using various light settings. When the pictures were developed I had a huge shock. Not one single photo had been developed properly. In fact, all I saw was a sea of black, with a few non identifiable
patches. At the same time, I felt deep down in my heart that I was being sent a message—“ Don’t develop my pictures, or send them to anyone”, the Devi seemed to say.

I decided not to take any more photos just then. In any case, I soon found myself busy with drawing my next picture. It had always been my desire to visit the famous Meenakshi Amman temple in Madurai, especially since I knew that this ancient place had been a source of inspiration to Swamigal.

Indeed, I read in his biography, that he had spent a lot of time as a youth meditating before Goddess Meenakshi. So, I decided to paint her, as a lovely maiden, dressed in a
green sari, holding the customary parrot in one of her hands. It was during the painting of this deity that I started to listen to the chanting of Rudram, Namakam and Chamakam. I studied these ancient slokas very carefully and marvelled at both the structure and content of these powerful verses. Lord Shiva is extolled as the very essence of all things in the universe. The inventory of this great universe occupies the central portion of this great vedic chant! As a work of poetry, in language, style and content, all aspects of this heartfelt prayer to Lord shiva to bless humanity are powerful, and the vibrations set off by the precise chanting of these verses helped me to achieve a great deal of concentration.

It took nearly an entire month for me to finish my work of art. I used a lot of colourful crystals to embellish the picture and was very happy that by the divine grace of God, I could produce such a beautiful image of the deity. I framed this picture by myself and requested my husband to hang it in the living room.

Now, I must explain here that while my husband did not impede in any way either my spiritual progress or my interest in art, he remained largely indifferent to it and was terribly ignorant of the deep philosophical truths expounded by our religion. However, he did promise to hang up the painting, as it was very heavy and difficult for me to accomplish the task by myself.

One weekend, while I was busy in the kitchen, he decided to undertake this task. He informed me he was going to hang the new painting over the mantelpiece, in the same place we had first placed my painting of Karumarriamman. I hesitated, almost involuntarily. It was as if a sudden premonition crossed my mind. I said, “ Please don’t take down that Karumarriamman painting, I don’t think she wants to be moved”.

My husband however, only laughed—“ It’s only a painting— she’s not going to mind, surely!” I didn’t reply and instead went about my normal chores in the kitchen.
For a while there was silence.

Then, without warning, I heard a loud crash and the very certain sound of splintered glass. My only thought was “Amma, how can you allow your portrait to be broken – the painting I had done with no other thought except pure love for you”.
I ran to the living room and found broken glass scattered in all directions. My husband’s hands were bleeding and he was standing in the middle of the room, totally speechless.
He had taken down the painting of Karumarriamman and placed it on the ground. However, the portrait of Meenakshi Amman he had tried to hang in its place had crashed down within seconds. A closer inspection revealed that only the frame had broken. My painting of the Goddess had survived intact and not a single stone I had embellished the picture with had even budged.

My husband was totally stupefied, and without me having to utter a word, quietly restored the Karumarriamman to her original place. In fact he made the comment “ That’s the last time I touch this painting, unless she wants me to move her, I will not!”.

As a fitting end to this little episode, my husband was able to get a free , new, glass frame from the shop, again, by sheer generosity of the owner!