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Spiritual Diary: Chapter 25
Spiritual Diary: Chapter 26
The following day, we departed from Trichy and finally headed back to Chennai. The pilgrimage was over and I said a small prayer of thanks to Nemili Bala for having provided me with such uplifting experiences in every temple we had visited and sought her blessings for the next painting I had been “ commissioned” to do!
Spiritual Diary: Chapter 24
It was with great difficulty that I came back to reality. We left this most beautiful temple and made our way to the hotel where we were to take rest that night.
Spiritual Diary: Chapter 22
I set off to London in mid- April and then onwards to Boston to stay with my daughter who is a student there.
Spiritual Diary: Chapter 20
It was with mixed emotions that my daughter and I left Nemili. She too, had felt the overwhelmimg peace and calmness of the place and loved the fact that this house of worship was so completely different from the huge temples she had often visited with me. I think the simplicity and purity of the place combined with the love and humility of its occupants came as a pleasant surprise to her.
Spiritual Diary: Chapter 21
Spiritual Diary: Chapter 21
Within the next few days, my daughter and I had the opportunity to visit a few temples in Tamil Nadu along with my sister in law. We first went to Pudukkotai ( near Trichy) to pay a visit to the Bhuvaneswari temple established by my guru, Santhananda Swamigal. After paying respects to the samadhi of his guru, Judge Swamigal, at that temple, we proceeded to the famous rock temple of Pillayarpatti.
Here, Lord Ganesha was awaiting to give us his blessings dressed in his golden armour. It was truly an awe inspiring sight to witness this gigantic seven foot sculpture hewn out of a massive piece of rock on a cliff side. Dating back to the early 12th Century, the image of Pillayar is considered as Swyambu or self- made!
We proceeded on our journey towards the beautiful temple town of Tanjore. Here, we visited and marveled at the glory of the Brihadeeshwara temple. Built by the great Raja Raja Chola, it took nearly 12 years until its completion in 1011 A.D. The Chola kingdom ruled this part of the world during 10th to the 14th century and many of the temples in the state bear the unmistakable stamp of the artists and sculptors of this period. For the pallavas, the gigantic temple complexes functioned not only as a place of worship but also a seat of government and provided an important venue for most of the social and economic events .
We walked around the precincts of this vast temple/ fortress complex in awe. The central stone of the towering Vimana is supposed to weigh 235 lbs and it must have been a true feat of engineering ingenuity to have hoisted it into place at the very top.
We marveled at the intricate carvings of Gods, dancers, dance poses , and mythical beasts on the several terraces of the temple tower.
However, one particular shrine tucked away in the corner of this vast temple complex caught my attention. Upon enquiry it proved to be the shrine of one of the Siddhars ( yogis or holy men who have mastered all the Siddhas or yogic powers). Indeed, Karuvar Siddhar is regarded as one of those immortal beings who has lived for centuries and continues to exude his presence in this shrine. He had apparently helped the king ( Raja Raja Chola) through his yogic powers to both construct as well as consecrate the temple.
This was my first visit to a Siddhar’s shrine, but I felt a strong magnetic attraction to the site.
As will be explained later, this visit too set off in train a long sequence of events that has allowed me to immerse myself more fully into the lives of the 18 great siddhars and study huge masterpieces like Tirumoolar’s Tirumandiram.
Our short temple tour concluded with a visit to the famous Murugan shrine at Swamimalai and the nearby temple at Tirukkadaiyur dedicated to the Goddess Abhirami.
I reflected on the time I had spent learning the 100 verses composed by Abirami Bhattar in his famous Andhadi , all in praise of this great and powerful Goddess.
I was looking forward to the darshan with great anticipation on this fnal leg of the tour . However, during the car drive from Swamimalai to Tirukkadaiyur, my sister- in law who was accompanying us, got a phone call. It was bad news . Her uncle in Bangalore had been admitted in the hospital and was fighting for his life. We had an hour to go before reaching this famous temple and I prayed that he might live.
It was an irony that we should receive this news while travelling to a temple famous through antiquity for being able to save people’s lives. The legend goes that the young Markandeya prayed to Lord Shiva to prevent the King of Death, Lord Yama from taking his soul away. In fact, Lord Shiva is propitiated here as Kaala Samhara Murthy, or as one who has conquered the passage of time— and therefore Death itself.
Just as we drove into the precincts of the temple another quick telephone call confirmed the worst. The uncle never recovered conciousness. I suggested we return immediately. However, my sister in law insisted we finish our tour of the temple.
We walked inside to witness the awesome sculpture of Shiva killing Yama, while Markandeya is shown as clinging on to the shiva lingam near the base of this statue, expressing total sharanaagathi.
Spiritual Diary: Chapter 19
CHAPTER 19 SPIRITUAL DIARY.
Thursday, May 3rd, 2007.
The spiritual diary that I ended in the previous chapter on December 4th, 2005, has been resumed for no apparent reason today.
The urge to continue writing the journal that had suspended itself most mysteriously over a year and half ago, came right after my usual Thursday morning prayers to my Guru Santhananda Swamigal as well as to Shirdi Sai Baba.
How did Shirdi Sai Baba appear in my spiritual path and what has been the nature of his subtle guidance? Most important, what is the link between Shirdi Sai Baba, Baala of Nemili and Sri Raja Rajeshwari Peetam of Rochester? Have the various questions about the purpose and intent of my paintings and the larger goal of helping humanity been resolved?
The events that have occurred during the interim period ( between December, 2005 and May, 2007), have certainly provided more than just a strong indication that many of my doubts will be soon answered. I am very clear for the first time in my life that the child- Goddess of Nemili has set in motion a sequence of events that will put me very firmly on a shining path that will lead directly to Her feet.
My life is now, and will be in the future, even more inextricably linked with Shri Baala Peetam at Nemili.
Christmas of 2005 was spent with my family in London. During January 2006, I had an opportunity to visit India along with my elder daughter.
However, before that I felt the strong mental suggestion to do a portrait of Baala.
I listened to all the cassettes I had purchased at Nemili on my previous visit in 2002. I concentrated on this great goddess and requested her permission for me to paint her. I drew a beautiful mandapam and when I finished it, I asked her silently “ How do I portray you? Should I draw you in the standing or seated pose?”. The answer came as if in a flash during my meditation. “ Draw me as standing on a lotus pedestal. Do not use any image to copy my face. You have to do this picture all by yourself using your own imagination”.
I started work on this image and managed to finish it within a few weeks. Baala is shown as a young teenager wearing a skirt and a upper garment , holding a book in one hand and prayer beads in another. I have no idea why I depicted her as a teenager instead of a young 9 year old girl as She is represented at Nemili. All I know is that my hands were guided to draw what the great Goddess willed me to depict.
I was happy to let the portrait unfold at its own pace and didn’t really worry about what my hands drew because my thoughts were at all times focused on her.
At this stage, only the pencil drawing was being done.
A few days before I left for India, I pencilled in the eyes. A huge wave of emotion hit me inexplicably just as I was drawing her left eye. I started to weep uncontrollably and my tears filled her eyes and poured all over my drawing. Finally, just as abruptly as it had started, I stopped weeping, mopped up the water stains and somehow managed to finish the image without causing too much damage.
I placed the completed pencil drawing on the dining table and hoped I could complete it using colorful paints after my return. Somehow Baala’s plans were completely different to those of mine!
My daughter and I arrived in Chennai on Thursday, January 19th, 2006 .
Chapter 18
Within the next few weeks I returned to London. The first thing I did was to hunt in my cassette collection for some of the tapes I had purchased while I visited Nemili many years ago. I finally found one. I went into my room, and sitting crosslegged on the
ground and with all my attention focused on this great goddess, I listened to the tape.
Soon, I was totally transported to the shining, luminous world of Sri Bala. It was as though she was giving me a darshan, seated on a golden swing with a mischievous smile on her lips!
That was a Friday evening. I remember this very clearly because this child appeared in my dream that very same night.
This vision was unlike many I had experienced before. My sleep was disturbed that night by the sound of someone entering my bed room. I opened my eyes but could not see anyone. However, I was able to sense someone was there. I could hear the
shuffle of feet as this person came over to the far side of the bed and got into bed with me. I could hear the soft creaking of the mattress and feel a presence beside me. The next thing I felt was a column of air snaking up my spine. It was as though
someone or something was sending a waft of powerful energy through my entire back. I felt I was floating somewhere and then, spiralling down into a great bottomless void . As I did this I could see a light at the very end. There was a man doing Puja
and a girl’s voice said “ You will go to see Haran Aiya.” That was when I realised that the person next to me was indeed Raja Rajeswari herself.
My voice choking with emotion, I called out “ Amma, Akhila Kodi Brahmaanda Nayakiye Neeya Idhu?.” ( Is it You? The great
Goddess of the universe?) .
I knew then I was not dreaming. However, a strange fear seemed to grip me. Where was I? What was happening to me?
It was as though my unspoken thoughts were understood. The presence was no longer beside me on the bed. Instead, there was shaft of light in the doorway of my bedroom and there, in that soft light I saw my second daughter.
She was saying “ Hey mum, I just finished my homework. Can I come and lie down beside you? .”
I remember heaving a sigh of relief and going back to sleep.
I awoke the next day and only then remembered. My daughter was not even here in London. She was thousands of miles away studying at an University in New Jersey, U.S.A.
So, the person in my dream had really been the mischievous Baala who had made her presence felt both as Raja Rajeshwari and as a young girl in the form of my daughter so as to not make me frightened of my “ dream within a dream”.
A few days later I received some bad news. My daughter had been admitted to a hospital in New Jersey with bacterial meningitis. I was frantic with worry. I had just finished six days of prayers to Lord Muruga for Skanda Sashti and beseeched Him to help my daughter. While she had been diagnosed just in the nick of time, the doctors told us to wait for a couple of days since further tests needed to be done and their results analysed.
I tried to be optimistic, yet could not really get rid of a nagging thought at the bottom of my heart. So, the next morning, while awaiting the results of the brain scan, I made a long distance call to the house at Nemili.
The phone number I had was an old one and I was not too sure if anyone would even pick up the phone at the other end. To my surprise the phone was answered almost immediately by the elderly priest Shri Nemili Ezhilmani.
I told him he would not know me but that I was calling from London and had visited Nemili 3 years ago.
I reminded him about the black and white drawing I had given him. At this, the priest immediately remembered me. He said he had kept that picture in the puja room very carefully!
I quickly informed him about my dream and the gentle “ reminder” Bala had given me during Navarathri.
The man’s response was surprising. “ Oh you must understand that our Baala likes to play tricks on people. She loves to shock them and then appear in dreams as a young girl”.
“Don’t worry”, he said “ I shall surely pray for you and your child. Nothing will happen to her health. Just take confidence from me.” He also added “ Do write a personal letter to the Goddess, and tell her your problems. She will sort it out for you. Mail it to
my address and I shall place the letter at her feet and send you the prasadams.”
I thanked him profusely and said I would write a letter immediately. However, I also told him that my mother who lived in Chennai would contact him. Perhaps he could perform a special archana in my daughter’s name on her birthday ( November
16th) that was just going to fall within a few days.
However, Sri Ezhilmani said that archanas were not performed at Bala Peetam. He reiterated that just the phone conversation with him was sufficient and I should just have complete faith in Shri Baala.
I sat down at my computer immediately and poured out my heart in a letter to Bala. I sealed it in an envelope and rushed to the post office to mail it.
When I re- entered the flat the phone was ringing. I hurried to pick it up. It was my daughter calling from the hospital.
“Mummy, I just got the results of the CAT scan. The doctors feared there might have been an abcess in the brain. But everything is clear. There will be no long lasting after- effects from the meningitis.”
From the very depths of my heart I thanked Shri Bala!!
I was leaving London again within the next few days to visit my daughter and called my mother to see if she could possibly send me the temple prasadam . However, my mother was bedridden due to a leg ailment and although she said she would try her best, I did not really think the prasadam would reach me before I saw my daughter in the U.S.
Anyway, I reasoned to myself, Bala is always within me. I don’t really require the prasadam. I reassured my mother and told her not to exert herself.
I landed in Boston and was staying with my elder daughter. My health suddenly took a turn for the worse and instead of leaving immediately to visit my younger daughter in New Jersey, I had to wait a few days until I got better.
I spent a lot of time each day in prayer and started reading the Abhirami Andhadi. There are one hundred verses in this great work where the ending word of each verse forms the starting point for the next. I spent some time every day revelling in the glory
of the Goddess as well as appreciating the unshakeable faith and devotion exhibited by the poet Abhirami Bhattar.
My husband flew in from London a few days later as we had planned to drive down to New Jersey to visit my younger daughter over the Thanksgiving break.
He arrived one evening just as I was finishing the last verse of the Abhirami Andhadi. I opened his suitcase in order to unpack it.
There, right on top of all his clothes was a yellow cloth bag with the smiling photograph of Baala embossed on it.
Hardly believing my luck I opened the bag, Along with the prasadams were a few sloka books and a small medallion with Baala’s image.
But I had thought it would not have possible for the prasadam to reach me within the week! After all Nemili was a good two hours away from Madras.How was this possible?
I called my mother to thank her. Apparently the whole thing had been a remarkable coincidence. The prasadam had come in on a Friday and on that very day some members of the family were travelling to London. These people had, in turn, passed it on to
my husband just as he had been leaving London to come to Boston.
Once again, that little child- goddess has set in motion a train of events that achieved the desired results!!
I was overjoyed and made my daughter wear the precious medallion almost immediately, when we did see her!
It was following the Thanksgiving break and after we had returned to Boston that I resumed my spiritual diary once again.
As mentioned earlier, there was a strong urge for me to finish recounting all the events over the past year.
As I finish this portion of my narrative, I do realise that one more question deep within my heart has still not been answered.
In my letter To Baala I had asked her “ Dear Baala, please tell me what I should do with all my paintings. You have given me the talent. Now I desire to be of service to You. Please tell me how its going to be possible for me to help humanity during my life
time.”
I realise that my Guruji has given me clear instructions to hold an exhibition of all the paintings. Swami Paaramarthananda has adviced me to set up a web site with my writings. The latter is very nearly set up. But the real question is “ How am I going to
achieve this task of raising money”.
It is my intention to visit Chennai in late January 2006. I plan to place all my writings and photographs of all my paintings at the feet of this tiny, but most powerful goddess and seek her help.
I am aware that I am destined to meet “ Aiya’ of Rochester at some point in my life.
Until then the purpose of these writings and my paintings will elude me.
( I just noted I have finished writing this final segment at 4 p.m. on December 4th. From reading the little pamphlet sent to me
by Nemili Ezhilmani, the number FOUR is Baala’s special number!).
Chapter 17
After completing this massive portrait of my Guru, I started a painting depicting the Ashta Lakshmis ( eight Lakshmis). These depictions of the goddess of wealth are considered very auspicious. I decided to do them for my own peace of mind.
As is my usual custom, I did read up a lot of slokas pertaining to the various representations of this Goddess. She stands for many aspects of our personalities like valour, courage, love, generosity, hard work, knowledge, etc
I followed this up with a painting of Lord Vishnu and Lakshmi seated on the mighty Adi Sesha. This painting was inspired by a beautiful Sanskrit hymn to this Heavenly couple called “ Lakshmi Narayana Hridayam”.
Following this painting, I engaged myself in doing a lot of abstract paintings as well as portraits of Lord Ganesha done in a modernist manner. I started reading the Narayaneeyam whilst doing the abstracts. I would simply close my eyes, meditate
on the Lord and within minutes conjure up in my mind, the colours for my abstract paintings. I reasoned the absence of figures as a ripening of my utter faith in the Lord and a movement away from Sagunam to Nirgunam Brahman!
During the summer of 2005 I made another visit to Chennai. I met Swami Paramarthananda on Guru Poornima day and sought his blessings. He remembered me from my previous visit and questioned me if I had folllowed his advice to set up
a web site with my writings and paintings. I replied I had not yet done so. Moroever, I informed him I wasn’t really sure if people would really be interested in my reflections and writings.
His reply was firm “ You should create a web site. Put down whatever comes to your mind. People living overseas will definitely benefit by this. I am giving you the confidence today. Start this project with my full blessings “ Then, in a complete
changeof topic he remarked, as I was leaving “ Don’t give up Sagunam deity bhakthi”. How had he known that I had started my abstract paintings? I puzzled about that for a bit and actually felt happier he had not asked me to move away from saguna worship. In truth I had been finding this process a bit difficult as my mind was so used to concentrate on the image of any particular God or Goddess. I was overjoyed to hear this respected Guru mention it. I did my namaskarams and left his presence.
During my two week stay in Chennai this time, I was fortunate to visit two more temples. This time I was able to get Darshan of Guruvayurappan and the great Bhagavathi of Chottanikkara. Was it mere coincidence that this deity is considered widely as “ Amme Narayana” ? i.e. an aspect of Shakthi or Durga along with Vishnu. I remembered my
painting of Lord Vishnu and Lakshmi and said a silent prayer of gratitude.
During August, 2005, I was in Boston, U.S.A. staying with my eldest daughter. The month of Aadi is considered auspicious to Amman. So, I decided to do a drawing of the mighty Sri Chakra, as an act of propitiation to the Goddess. On the holy Adi Velli,(Friday), I attempted this very precise and mathematical drawing after duly reciting the Lalitha Sahasranamam and Lalitha Trisathi.
By the end of the day I had finished this mystical geometric pattern that harnesses all the power of Shakthi within its manifold triangles. I framed the print and hung it in my daughter’s flat as a good luck charm.
As things worked out, I was intended to stay on in Boston for the next two months. My husband seemed to be considering the possibility of moving to the U.S. permanently and I felt quite happy .
I continued with my prayers and meditation whilst staying in daughter’s flat. The next painting that “ happened” was one of Shiva and Parvathi. I had been listening to the Rudram every day and felt the urge to portray this great Lord once more dancing with his consort very happily !
I finished this painting just before the auspicious period of Navarathri.
During this time I had been constantly thinking about the purpose of both my paintings and writings. Despite the assurances given by Swami Paramartha, I was not fully confident that anyone might be remotely interested in reading either my narrative or for that matter interested in viewing my paintings. It wasn’t as if these art pictures were unique in any way, i.e. except in my eyes!
Nevertheless my daughters helped me to start a web site and I called it “ spiritualvision art.com” In this, I pasted all my pictures and writings i.e. my spiritual diary. I left a blank page to put in daily thoughts and another one titled Spiritual Guidance.
However, I did not resume writing my diary just yet. I was assailed by conflicting thoughts.
During Navarathri I recited the Devi Mahatmyam every day and sought the guidance of my Guru. One night I got my answer. I was in the presence of Shri Shanthananda Swamigal. He was sitting on a pedestal smiling genially and conversing with a
group of people. I approached him and did my namaskaram. Then, what happened was very strange. He just looked at me and I found my lips moving and uttering these words several times “ Keep an exhibition of all your paintings. Collect money and send them to the Skandashramam temple in Tambaram”
In fact, I woke up as if from a deep slumber saying these words over and over again. It was early morning on a Friday during the holy nine days of navarathri. While I did not ignore this message, I hardly knew where to begin.
One afternoon during this auspicious period, I was surfing a web site that was devoted to the Raja Rajeshwari temple in Rush, N.Y.
I had come across this web site previously during my researches on Sri Vidya worship. It was maintained by a man called Haran or “Aiya’ and I read his short biography. He hails from a long line of Gurus all of whom are in the path of Sri Vidya and Shakthi worship. Apparently, he started this temple at Rochester many decades ago and it attracts hundreds of devotees each year, especially during the time of Navarthiri.
I was lucky that at the moment I tuned in, there was a live webcast of the Abhishekams that were going on to the main deity.
For a long time that day I sat and watched the proceedings at this temple. After the morning pujas were over that day, there was a short talk by “ Aiya” to the congregation.
What he spoke about quite simply took my breath away.
The whole speech was about the glory of Sri Baala, the little child-like deity whose temple was a small house in the village of Nemili.
I remember feeling an electric shock coursing through my spine. Baala was saying to me very clearly. “ I gave you the ability to paint ever since you placed the first picture at my feet. Now you seem to have forgotten me?
I sat, for what must have been a long time, in the same position, not being able to think, and with no other thoughts in my mind except this child deity. Much later, I remember my daughter entering the room and asking “ Mum, what’s the matter. You have been sitting rooted to that spot for ages. Is something wrong?”
There was no doubt in my mind about the message I had just received. It was the complaint of a small child seeking attention!!