Sri Shanthananda Swamigal’s final words to me were, “ If you think with deep devotion about the great Goddess, She will come inside you. You will become Her and She will become you. There will be no difference between both of you”.
Surely, this was the same message that was passed on to me by Sai Baba.
Many have been the Gurus who have helped me along the way. Shri Paramarthananda, Shri Omkarananda Swamigal, “Amma”, Amritanandamayi, and Shri Haran “Aiya”, are but a few who by their words of advice, look, or grace have enabled me to find the strength to carry on in my chosen path.
In 2002, I was introduced to Sri Bala Peetam at Nemili. From that year onwards my paintings seemed to take on a deeper level of significance. I didn’t realize at that time why I had started doing these paintings.
Neither did I question the purpose of these writings.
I started to paint because I had glorious visions of deities. I started to write about my experiences after both my Guru and Amritananda Mayi (in dreams), told me to do so.
I started off my writings with the line, “I don’t know the purpose of this diary”.
Now that my writings have come to an end, I can reiterate that I still do not know the purpose of this diary. However, I now say this with confidence.
When I began to write in 2004, I wrote with the expectation of discovering a rationale for this exercise, uncovering a motivation for my writings. I expected to understand my urge to narrate my experiences at least by the time I had finished the diary.
Now that I am finished, however, I find my attitude to be quite different from that I expected. It is one of complete detachment. I realize now that I am simply a medium, who has been instructed to record and communicate my experiences independent of the desire to question, analyse, or justify my actions. The outcome is something I am no longer concerned about. As always, as it has been before, the outcome is in the hands of the child Goddess, Bala.
What I have gained over the past few years is something far more precious than material paintings or writings.
Rather, I have attained total and complete liberation and happiness at the feet of Sri Bala.
I am aware of the many ways in which this child Goddess has orchestrated the events and situations in my life. I am aware of Her presence in my life, in my thoughts and in my Heart.
Sri Ezhilmani and his family at Bala Peetam are unique and will forever remain an inseparable part of my life.
I conclude by quoting a few lines from Sri Bala’s Divine Words of Grace (Arul Vakku).
These holy sayings have proven to be extremely appropriate in all my life-experiences so far.
When you have been deserted by all around you,
When everyone says “No” and abandons you,
My tender hands will hold yours,
And, protect you until the end!
Your life consists in accepting whatever I give you.
My existence is never based or dependent on you,
Yet, this entire world is dependent on faith in me.
When You expect something from me and I refuse,
This is for your own benefit .
When you misunderstand why I don’t give what you want,
For whose gain can that be?
Whatever I do, is for your own good!
When you come to Me,
Alone, in utter despair and inconsolable grief,
When you stand in front of me,
With tears in your eyes , in deep anguish,
I will come alongside you,
Don’t ever forget this!
Bala Charanam.
Spiritual Journal 